Just a dumb joke for the evening crowd

Two snakes were slithering through the woods when the first snake says "Damn!....i hope i'm not poisonous!" The other snake looks at him and says "why do you say that?" First snake replies "becuase i just bit my tongue!" :rolleyes:

after the day this has been for the most part..that's pretty funny :rolleyes: ;)

One of those days huh...well glad I could help I guess

good one

I would rate that along with the why did the banana go to the doctor? because he wasn't "peeling" well joke.. But it will be a good one to tell the kids - they will enjoy it.. lol..

There you go fatburg. You got anymore jokes. Post them in here for us. We need a good laugh. :D

well, fair warning...my jokes are dumb What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice Belt! :lol:

Why did the chicken cross the road ? Who knows, chickens are stupid anyways....would you believe I actually saw that on a joke website!! Some people...ok, Im done...

A rabi, a priest and a clown walk into the bar, the bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

this could quickly become the official TWF bad joke thread...this one could hang around for quite awhile. :lol:

well I'll do my best, but I'll some others have some fun first. :dthumb:

No, its not really bad, but just covering my arse.. Where's the rake (http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/wheres_the_rake.htm)

No, its not really bad, but just covering my arse.. Where's the rake (http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/wheres_the_rake.htm) OMG, that's funny. I think I heard that one somewhere, but it's better with the visuals! Nice one! :lol:

OMG, that's funny. I think I heard that one somewhere, but it's better with the visuals! Nice one! :lol: I'm with ya!! That was a good one!!

the morning edition :seeya: .... What did one eyeball say to the other eyeball? "just between you and me ....something smells!"

u gonna make this a daily ritual for us morning posters fatburg ? :D

u gonna make this a daily ritual for us morning posters fatburg ? :D Morning posters? Heck, you never leave...haha. Even stupid humor is more fun when shared. :D Hoping maybe I can pick up some new ones in the process. ;)

LOL..yeah, TWF is part of my daily life.. always good to interject some humor whenever we can :cool:

What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur? Lickalotapus

No, its not really bad, but just covering my arse.. Where's the rake (http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/wheres_the_rake.htm) I like that one. I think we need to put up a daily joke to get the day started. And since you are on here more and longer then I am, it is now your job to post a joke first thing in the morning to get us started. :D

Ive already nominated fatburg for that job :D ..but Im sure we can all find some bad jokes of the day if we look hard enough...shouldnt be hard with this crowd :rolleyes: :lol:

Hmmm, get on here every morning and post a new joke....that's a lot of responsibility. :D

just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, one more solid dumb one until later this evening.... Question: What do you call a fish with no eyes? Answer: fsh :sob: :seeya: Till tonight

just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah do it for the good of the forum...do it to serve your fellow riders..and do it so ur not left out in 08 :here: :D

Fatburg the official court jester? Secretary of Humor and Shannigans?

Fatburg the official court jester? Secretary of Humor and Shannigans? I second that motion!!!

Well, for the good of the country...I accept :dthumb:

Fatburg the official court jester? Secretary of Humor and Shannigans? What other positions are you going to have in your house?? Were do we submit our resume to? LOL :lol:

What other positions are you going to have in your house?? Were do we submit our resume to? LOL :lol: he's going to need a full cabinet, just like the current president has..so there will be plenty of openings. :thumbs:

I did a search and didn't find it, but hey I ain't sceared of the dupe police.... Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. If that wasn't bad enough, Husband 1.0 then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should Automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 3.1. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or Reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, But it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support

he's going to need a full cabinet, just like the current president has..so there will be plenty of openings. :thumbs: Oh yeah there will be plenty of openings because anyone in DC now is considered tainted and not part of the MP scheme of things. People from WOS and TWF will be considered first and foremost. What position are you looking for?

Oh yeah there will be plenty of openings because anyone in DC now is considered tainted and not part of the MP scheme of things. People from WOS and TWF will be considered first and foremost. What position are you looking for? I've claimed this one. I'll be the Official Moderator for the MP Internet!! :yesnod: oh yeah, every browser will say ... MP Internet Explorer ..Google will be changed to MudPuppy ... the possibilities are endless.. :here:

You are in. How is $300k a year to start sound? lol..

You are in. How is $300k a year to start sound? lol.. ...thats fine by me, just put me up the Mud House..formerly the white house..with all the rest of the cabinet members and I'll be good to go..

good morning :seeya: A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" :smash: "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." :rolleyes:

good morning :seeya: A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" :smash: "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." :rolleyes: oooo, that WAS bad... :leaving: :lol:

lol.. too funny...

It was a little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt!" The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go see the principal and get this straightened out." So the little girl went to the principal's office. The principal asked the little girl, "What's your name?" The little girl answered, "Happy Butt!" The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, the principal looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!" The girl then said, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!" :leaving:

Funny jokes you two. Now my turn to add one. Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

Heres another one for us. A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

And I have one more for us. A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

And one more for the crowd: A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hell-oooo! You need to roll up the windows first!"

And one more for the crowd: A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hell-oooo! You need to roll up the windows first!" :nonod: :nonod: ;)

One for sunday.... Three men die and go to meet st.peter he tells the 3 men "in order to get into heaven you each must have something on you that relates to christmas" the first man pulls out a lighter and says "its a candle" you may enter says st.peter; the second man pulls out his keys and says "look there jingle bells" you also may enter says st.peter the third man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of womens underwear st.peter looks at him with a raised eyebrow :confused: and the man says "their carols" :whistle:

In case you skipped church this morning... One sunday a minister tells his congression "next week i will be preaching on the sins of lying so to help you understand the sermon better i want everyone to read Mark 17 before then" A week gos by and the next sunday the minister asks "how many of you read Mark 17 like i asked?" Every hand in the church went up in the air The minister smiled and said "There are only 16 chapters in Mark....i will now proceed with my sermon on lying" :nono:

One for sunday.... Three men die and go to meet st.peter he tells the 3 men "in order to get into heaven you each must have something on you that relates to christmas" the first man pulls out a lighter and says "its a candle" you may enter says st.peter; the second man pulls out his keys and says "look there jingle bells" you also may enter says st.peter the third man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of womens underwear st.peter looks at him with a raised eyebrow :confused: and the man says "their carols" :whistle: Nice one there. :dthumb: :D

Q) What do you call a man with his arm halfway up a horse's rear? A) Amish mechanic! :puke: Just another bad one to get the morning kicked off :whistle:

Q) What do you call a man with his arm halfway up a horse's rear? A) Amish mechanic! :puke: Just another bad one to get the morning kicked off :whistle: I know the local Amish crowd over in lancaster would just love this one!! :lol:

And one more for the crowd: A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hell-oooo! You need to roll up the windows first!" :lol: You know, I know a person who probably would have done that too!!!

:lol: You know, I know a person who probably would have done that too!!! now carrie..I didnt know you were a natural blonde!! :lol: :leaving:

Hey...doesn't CrunchyJD have blonde hair. :lol: :whistle: Has she tried to fix the car like that? :D

Hey...doesn't CrunchyJD have blonde hair. :lol: :whistle: Has she tried to fix the car like that? :D first off, she's gonna kill you..secondly, she's gonna kill you, thirdly, she's gonna kill you... run for your life!!! :whistle:

Sounds like from that post and some others that "she's one serious woman"... Dave, take Matt's suggestion and RUN!! Somin else to think about...I'm sure she knows where you live and talks to your wife. That only means bad things for you my man!! :luck:

Sounds like from that post and some others that "she's one serious woman"... Dave, take Matt's suggestion and RUN!! Somin else to think about...I'm sure she knows where you live and talks to your wife. That only means bad things for you my man!! :luck: I'm going to the Bahamas. That should be far enough. :D

I'm going to the Bahamas. That should be far enough. :D Dude, she loves the bahama's and the carribean ...better go somewhere else!

It's 3:13 :seeya: ...time for another one: A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" :thumbs:

It's 3:13 :seeya: ...time for another one: A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" :thumbs: :dthumb: That is the best! :lol: :lol:

It's 3:13 :seeya: ...time for another one: A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" :thumbs: :lol: :lol: I've heard that one before..thats great!!!!

It's 3:13 :seeya: ...time for another one: A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" :thumbs: Awsome joke man. I give you :dthumb:

Keep up the good work FB! Hilarous.

Right on!! I look forward to these everyday now..LOL

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey." :bash:

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey." :bash: ACK..dentists suck!!! :puke: :lol:

ACK..dentists suck!!! :puke: :lol: Yep, that's exactly why I make the wife go every 6 months..hehe :D

Two female friends die together in a car accident. As they enter heaven, Peter says, "There's just one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." As you can imagine, there were ducks all over heaven. When one of the women steps on one, Peter appears along with the ugliest man she ever saw and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this man. After seeing what happened to her friend, the other woman is very careful to avoid stepping on ducks. One day Peter approaches her with the most handsome man she ever saw, and he chains the man to her. "Oh, my," she says. "I don't know what I could have done to deserve a man like you." To which the man replied, "I don't know about you, lady, but I stepped on a duck." :rolleyes:

Dr. Visit I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

:doh: OH that is soo bad :puke: , I love it :dthumb:

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk." :rolleyes:

A man was arrested at the airport while going through baggage check with a protractor, a compass and a ruler. The security guards determined the items to be weapons of Math & Instruction!!! :sorry:

Here's another one for missing yesterday.... Two cannibal's were eating a clown. One cannibal asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" :puke:

A man was arrested at the airport while going through baggage check with a protractor, a compass and a ruler. The security guards determined the items to be weapons of Math & Instruction!!! :sorry: :puke: ;)

Why do Blondes Smile and Wave in a Lightning storm ? ................ Because they are having there picture taken silly.... :leaving: :redmc: Steve.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was exhausted after spending all morning teaching a young Luke Skywalker the ways of the Force. Obi-Wan decided to treat his student to lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant, where they could eat and continue Luke's studies. Upon arriving, Obi-Wan ordered two bowls of hot and sour soup and sweet and sour chicken. The waiter brought the two Jedi their soup first. As Luke slurped up his soup spoonful after spoonful, Obi-Wan patiently continued Luke's lessons in the ways of the Force. Between each spoonful, Luke nodded as he listened and understood his master's teachings. The waiter then brought the two Jedi their sweet and sour chicken. Obi-Wan continued teaching, but noticed that young Luke was distracted. Luke couldn't seem to grasp how to use his chopsticks. Obi-Wan tried to proceed with his teaching, only to become frustrated as Luke continued to struggle with his chopsticks. Luke kept trying to pick up his food with the chopsticks, only to watch his food fall back onto his plate, onto the table or in the floor. The entire time Luke was completely ignoring his Jedi teacher. Finally, Obi-Wan couldn't take it anymore. It was then that Obi-Wan told young Skywalker the most important lesson he would ever learn as a Jedi: "Use the forks, Luke! Use the forks!"

lol.. :D A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic. So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson. After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine. He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads. He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished. He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends. Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed. "Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks. "Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?" "For doing it all through the exhaust."

:sw: Excellent

:lol: ....through the exhaust.. :lol:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!" To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he ! was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Yeah, its a spinoff of an oldie, but a goodie... A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Too funny - two good ones bro. Here is one I recent came across: Subject: Sex in the Dark >> >> >> > >> > > There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. >> > > >> > > Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. >> > > >> > > Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. >> > > >> > > She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. >> > > >> > > So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, >> > > romantic session, she turned on the lights. >> > > >> > > She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a >> > > battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! >> > > >> > > Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. >> > > >> > > She went completely ballistic. >> > > >> > > "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to >> > > me all of these years? >> > > >> > > You better explain yourself!" >> > > >> > > The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: >> > > >> > > "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Too funny - two good ones bro. Here is one I recent came across: Subject: Sex in the Dark >> >> >> > >> > > There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. >> > > >> > > Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. >> > > >> > > Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. >> > > >> > > She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. >> > > >> > > So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, >> > > romantic session, she turned on the lights. >> > > >> > > She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a >> > > battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! >> > > >> > > Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. >> > > >> > > She went completely ballistic. >> > > >> > > "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to >> > > me all of these years? >> > > >> > > You better explain yourself!" >> > > >> > > The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: >> > > >> > > "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." :eek: :lol:

> >> THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME > >> WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: > >> Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss > >> But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. > >> ************************* > >> I thought that I could love no other > >> Until, that is, I met your brother. > >> ************************** > >> Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. > >> But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's > >> empty and so is your head > >> ************************** > >> Of loving beauty you float with grace > >> If only you could hide your face. > >> **************************** > >> Kind, intelligent, loving and hot > >> This describes everything you are not. > >> ****************************** > >> I want to feel your sweet embrace > >> But don't take that paper bag off of your face. > >> ******************************* > >> I love your smile, your face, and your eyes > >> Damn, I'm good at telling lies! > >> ************************************ > >> My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: > >> Marrying you screwed up my life. > >> ************************************ > >> I see your face when I am dreaming. > >> That's why I always wake up screaming. > >> *************************************** > >> My love, you take my breath away. > >> What have you stepped in to smell this way? > >> **************************************** > >> My feelings for you no words can tell > >> Except for maybe "Go To Hell". > >> ***************************************** > >> What inspired this amorous rhyme? > >> Two parts vodka, one part lime.

A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

:here: I need a watch like that!!!

What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur? Lickalotapus :lol: thats the funniest thing i told my guy freinds they are still telling it to their freinds

:here: I need a watch like that!!! me too.

Why do Blondes Smile and Wave in a Lightning storm ? ................ Because they are having there picture taken silly.... :leaving: :redmc: Steve. LOL Heres one how do you know a blondes been in your car............? :nono: There is Lipstick on the stickshift.......... :withstupi Know what's really funny I am a natural blonde ( dirty blonde to be exact)

LOL Heres one how do you know a blondes been in your car............? :nono: There is Lipstick on the stickshift.......... :withstupi Know what's really funny I am a natural blonde ( dirty blonde to be exact) Clean it and you will be a clean blonde then. :whistle:

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up ! for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some Incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

well, fair warning...my jokes are dumb What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice Belt! :lol: I love that one! Kills me every time!!! :lol:

The Cabbie And The Nun A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Bruce and I'm going to a Halloween party."

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with A Misdewiener! :runaway:

A Misdewiener! :runaway: oh god... :nonod: :smash:

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband! :smash: :lol:

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband! :smash: :lol: Ba dump...ching :dthumb:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hangin out of the front of his pants. When the bartender asked him what it was for, the pirate replied, "Arrrrr, it's driving me nutz!"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" Ba dump...ching :dthumb: LOL When Carrie and I saw that we thought that was funnier then the joke. hehehe if was put in there just prefect. :dthumb: Keep the jokes coming ppl.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that ********* thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation. :dthumb:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!" LMAO!!! :bash:

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God, if You take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed. And (*POOF*) just like that...her ears fell off! :skep:

That was just wrong... but i liked it. :D :dthumb:

A couple my father-in-law just forwarded me, enjoy: A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking >company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. > >The lawyer asked, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, >'I'm >fine?'" > >Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just >loaded >my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." > >"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer >the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm >fine!'?" > >Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was >driving down the road...." > >The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to >establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told >the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now >several >weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he >is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." > >By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and >said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his >favorite mule, Bessie". > >Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I >had >just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving >her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the >stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into >one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real >bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie >moaning >and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. > >Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. >He >could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. >After >he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. > > Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at >me, > and >said, > >"How are you feeling?" > >"Now what the hell would you say?"

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I > not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, > stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." > > The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need > you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell > her give me sex. That makes everything better and I > go work. You try that." > > Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do > what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. > You got nice house."...

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. > >Upon her return, her father cursed her; " Where have you been all >this >time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us >know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! >Don't >you know what you put your Mum through??!!" > >The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a >prostitute..." > >"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a >disgrace >to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" > >"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur >coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account >certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, >and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition >convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the >Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend >New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." > >"Now what was it you said you had become?" asked her dad. > >Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff" > > >"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said >"a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

:rofl3: :rofl3:

:lol:

ME: Ask me why I have a bannana in my ear. You: Why do you have a bannana in your ear? ME: what I cant hear u, i have a bannana in my ear............!!! :disapp:

(in sarcastic voice) Awesome joke, dude. :lol:

ME: Ask me why I have a bannana in my ear. You: Why do you have a bannana in your ear? ME: what I cant hear u, i have a bannana in my ear............!!! :disapp: :bonk:

(in sarcastic voice) Awesome joke, dude. :lol: thus the diggin up of my dumb joke thread:dthumb:

blast from the past :lol:

blast from the past :lol: I even found this.... http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k156/fatburg/157JESTER_SIG.jpg It went along with the Mudpuppy for president thing way back when.

I even found this.... http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k156/fatburg/157JESTER_SIG.jpg It went along with the Mudpuppy for president thing way back when. You are digging! :lol:

blast from the past :lol: Yeah. fat's been around for a while.

Yeah. fat's been around for a while. significantly longer than Jeeps:leaving:

significantly longer than Jeeps:leaving: You joined 08-16-2004 I joined 10-18-2004 That's only two months. Not really significant.

You joined 08-16-2004 I joined 10-18-2004 That's only two months. Not really significant. sarcasm glass was fairly full there:lol: thus the little guy slinking away

sarcasm glass was fairly full there:lol: thus the little guy slinking away Just thought I would point that out.:cheers:

Just thought I would point that out.:cheers: oh just hush and add a dumb joke:lol:

If you're squeemish, don't read this... It's a blond joke... and it's my mother's favorite. How can you tell if a blond is having a really, really bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. :sorry:

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

If you're squeemish, don't read this... It's a blond joke... and it's my mother's favorite. How can you tell if a blond is having a really, really bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. :sorry: Now that's what I'm talking about:lol:

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" :slol:

ME: Ask me why I have a bannana in my ear. You: Why do you have a bannana in your ear? ME: what I cant hear u, i have a bannana in my ear............!!! :disapp: http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/youre_not_funny.jpg

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/youre_not_funny.jpg :lol:

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/youre_not_funny.jpg :lol:

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/youre_not_funny.jpg :lol:

A baby seal walks into a club.

Whats got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog! :dthumb:

Whats got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog! :dthumb: :rofl: :rofl3: http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/Yoda.jpg

The printed version of this is already in here somewhere but this is way better. Click here (http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf)

I saw an animated version of that before, but it actually ended in a multiple choice question... made it a little funnier becuase you weren't spoon fed the answer. :dthumb: Always a classic though.

Did you click through or stop when told?

Since I'd seen it before, i clicked for the guys. I don't always follow directions well. :D

Since I'd seen it before, i clicked for the guys. I don't always follow directions well. :D Figures!:lol: