tater's joke thread

Old man Martin visits Mable his 80 year old companion every day at 3pm for a nice little hand job to satisfy his "needs" day after day, week after week month after month a handjob a day keeps Martin happy... suddenly one day Martin stops showing up.. and the next day no show again... five days go by and Mable starts to get worried.. finally mable makes her way daown the hall in the old folks home and sees Martin sitting with a different woman Estelle... Mable gets pi$$ed off and shouts out what does she have that I don't???????????????????????????????????????? Martin responds.... parkinsons disease....

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in. The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. “You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you.” “Okay,” she says, “my name is Jill.” The owner looks her over and says, “I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'” The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's doing. He answers, “Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!”

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.'' So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear." WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar.

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze. "Silver," she said. "Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice. "Who is this?''

Good: Your children are sexually active. Bad: With each other Worse: And your wife. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: Getting arrested. Worse: By your husband Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: The techer is a he. Good: You go home for a quickie. Bad: you get caught by your wife Worse: You're with her sister.

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, ''''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'''' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'' 5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two @ssh***s." "What? He had two @ssho**s?!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assho**s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two asshol*s.'"

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' ''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.

golf tee rules- White tee, furthest away for "pro's" Blue tee, in the middle for guys red tee, closest to the pin for ladies. This guy shows up to play a round of golf, alone, and starts setting up his shot. A good looking lady walkes up, and asks if she could play along with him, he figures, whats the problem, sure, couldnt hurt to play a round of golf with a pretty lady. So they play the 18 holes, and she KICKS HIS ASS. cleans the course with him. He, obviously embarassed thanks her for the fun game and begins to leave, she says "wait. I feel bad for beating you so badly, so what do you say we go over in the bushes there, and i'll give you a b/j to make up for it?" He thinks "WOW! NO WAY! HECK YEAH LETS GO!" they head to the bushes do their business and he thanks her she thanks him and they go on their way. a few days later, same guy is setting up to tee off, and the SAME girl comes and asks to play along..he OF COURSE agrees, and the same thing happens again. This goes on for about two weeks, and finally one day after their 18 holes, she says to him "i havent been completely honest with you....im actually a man" The man looks dumbfounded, stares at her for a minute and then exclaims "AND YOU'VE BEEN HITTING OFF THE RED TEE THIS WHOLE TIME!?"

Two fish in a tank! One turns to the other and says "you man the guns, I'll drive! :dthumb:

Three Nuns sitting on a park bench This guy comes up and flashes at them two of them had a stroke! The third one couldn't reach! :dthumb:

Now that is how you :whore: solid thread tater:dthumb:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Ok, so Tater's are way better.:whistle:

amateur...:wink: ...:cheers: ...:dthumb: http://www.twowheelforum.com/showthread.php?t=2217&highlight=bumblebee+joke+thread I stopped posting them when people quit reading them

I'm just proud to be around to be part of the original joke thread. That was a long time ago

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar. Amen to that!

amateur...:wink: ...:cheers: ...:dthumb: http://www.twowheelforum.com/showthread.php?t=2217&highlight=bumblebee+joke+thread I stopped posting them when people quit reading them I always read them.

Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call. :disapp:

Subject: Fw: Purina diet LOL..FOR ALL THE DOG OWNERS! Subject: Purina Diet I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

these are great, keep em coming!

Amen to that! :dthumb:

OH NO!!! :willy: Its my inbox all over again!!

Subject: Fw: Purina diet LOL..FOR ALL THE DOG OWNERS! Subject: Purina Diet I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. that has all mine beat

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back? Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!" I always think of that when I pull up on my bike behind a convertable with one of those trees hanging from the mirror

I heard a fact the other day that intreagued me... Did you know that 60% of asians have cadaracs... the other 40% have rincons, and chevroreys......

There are three types of people in this world Those who can count and those who cant

What do blondes do for foreplay ? Remove their underwear. What do they say after sex? "Are you guys all on the same team?"

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.'' They cant all be great ones...

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde in a skirt steps on him. “Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget. The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.” The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.”

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form. The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L." The bartender says, "What's an M L?" The brunette says, "A Miller Light." Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L" The bartender says, "What's a B L?" She says, "Bud Light." A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15." The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?" The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Juan. If any of these offend anyone please let me know and I will remove any jokes please let it be known that I am not prejudice.. I hate everyone equally.... no but seriously dont be afraid to pm me if you find anything offensive... and blondes pm= private message

Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War? A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War. disclaimer: I support our troops but not always our "leader"

Q: What do you call a guy with a shovel stuck into his head? A: Doug Q: What do you call a guy without a shovel stuck into his head? A: Douglas

A bass drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree ba dum dum CHING!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

A Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest are in an orphanage when the fire alarm goes off. The Buddhist monk exclaims, "A fire! We must save the children!" The rabbi says, "F@ck the children!" The Catholic priest says, "No time!"

What do you call a dog with iron balls? Sparky.

Q: What did the perverted frog say? A: Rubbit.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Why did the blonde go to church? [Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? LET'S RIDE BIKES!

Q: What did the female deer say as she came out of the forest? A: "I'll never do that for two bucks again."

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated "Arrrrrrr!"

What's Victoria's Secret? She dresses like a slut!

A little boy asks his dad "Dad, what's the difference between truth and reality?" The dad says "Go ask your mother if she would have sex with anyone for a million dollars." The boy asks and she says "Yes." He comes back to his dad and says "She said yes. But what's the difference between truth and reality?" The dad says: "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with anyone for two million dollars." He comes back and says: "She says yes. But dad, what's the difference between truth and reality?!?" The dad says: Well, the truth is we're sitting on a gold mine but the reality is we're living with two whores.:whore: :whore:

dont hate me they can't all be tastefull here we go anyway... What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

Two muffins are in the oven, cooking. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting really hot in here." The other muffin says, "Holy ****! A talking muffin!"

There was an old Iraqi man who had lived 40 years in the USA (Chicago) and who wanted to plant potatoes in his garden. However he was a little too old and frail to till the soil before planting so he wrote an e-mail to his only son who was in Paris studying at the time, explaining his problem. Dear Ahmed, I am feeling very sad because I will be unable to plant my potatoes this year. I am far too old for such heavy work. If only you were here my problems would disappear, for you are young and strong and could till and turn the soil without any bother. Love Papa. A couple of days later he received a mail from his son. Dear Papa, Whatever you do don’t touch the earth in our garden. That is where I have the ‘you know what’ hidden. Love Ahmed. That night at 4am, the garden is invaded by the local police, the FBI, the CIA, a SWAT team, the Rangers, the Marines, Steven Seagal, Silvester Stallone and a few more of the Pentagon’s elite. They dig for hours looking for bomb making equipment, anthrax etc. but find nothing and eventually leave discretely. The next day the old man receives another mail from his son: Dear Papa, I am sure by now the earth is perfect for planting your potatoes. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Ahmed.

any Tom Jones fans out there here's one for ya... Patient: Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘Delilah’ and ‘The Green Green Grass of Home’. What the hell is wrong with me? Doctor: I believe you have what is known as the Tom Jones Syndrome. Patient: The Tom Jones Syndrom? My God, is that rare? Doctor: It’s not unusual.

Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language? A) An American. p.s. and proud of it:patr:

A guy leaves town to become a pirate and comes back after a few years on the high seas. He runs into an old buddy of his on the street, and they start to chat: "Hey, I hear you're a pirate now! I see you've got a hook for an arm. What happened?" "Well, we were sailing with a hold full of treasure and another pirate ship attacked us and took the gold! One of 'em cut off me hand with his cutlass!" "That's terrible! I'm so sorry! I see you have an eyepatch, too. What happened?" "Well, I was up in the crow's nest as a lookout and a seagull shat in me eye!" "Oh, no! But why do you need an eyepatch for that?" "Arr, well, I wasn't used to me hook yet."

A teenager is working the express lane of the local grocery store. The boy looks at what a female shopper has put on the belt... She's got a pint of ice cream, a bunch of bananas, a gallon of milk and some bread. The teenager looks at these items carefully and then asks the woman, "You're single aren't you?" She replies, "Wow, can you tell that just by looking at what I'm buying?" He says, "No, I can tell that because you're ugly as hell."

If you were able to clone yourself, and you took your clone to the top of a building, striped all his clothes off and pushed him off over the edge... Would it be? 1. murder 2. suicide 3. just another obscene clone fall

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't sell grapes." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don't sell grapes." The following day, the duck returns and asks,"Got any grapes?" The bartender loses it. He grabs the duck by the neck, and yells, "I already told you twice! This is a bar! I don't have any grapes! If you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the floor!" The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"

Q. Why is anal sex better than oral sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your whole week.

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.

What is better than winning 1st place at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded!

sorry, but i couldnt resist.... What's the difference between jesus and a painting of jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the painting

Galinda the good witch of the North was walking through Oz; when she ran across a little yellow toad who was sitting under a tree crying. She stopped and asked him what was the matter? "All the other toads laugh at me and won't let me join in their games because I'm all yellow!" he replied. So Galinda waved her magic wand and touched the toad on his head. In a flash of light the toad turned green and he was dancing for joy. Suddenly he stopped dancing and started crying even louder than before. Again, Galinda asked him what was wrong? He shouted out "My dick is still yellow! Oh please, please! You CAN'T leave me like this!" Galinda looked sadly at the little toad and said, "That's beyond my power to fix; you must go and see the wizard." So the sad little toad went hopping off to see the wizard and Galinda continued with her walk. Shortly there after, under another tree, Galinda found a pink elephant sobbing away. She asked him was wrong. He replied "All the other elephants make fun of my color!" So Galinda waves her wand and in a flash of light the elephant turned grey. The elephant starts off dancing and happy but then looks down and immediately starts crying louder than before. "What's wrong Mr. Elephant?" asked Galinda. He cried out "My dick is still pink!" "Then you'll just have to go and see the wizard" Galinda answered. "But I don't know where he lives!" said the elephant. "Why that's no problem Mr. Elephant; you just have to follow the yellow-dicked toad!"

Q: How many average forum members does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1,331 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the forum that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Three friends are sitting at a bar. At one point, an older gentleman walks up to them. Looking at the one in the middle, he screams: "I ****ED YOUR MOTHER!!!" Offended, but calm, the guy shoos the older man away and shrugs it off, and continues to keep drinking. A few minutes later, the same older man walks up again and screams: "I ****ED YOUR MOM BUT GOOD!!!" Again, the guy shrugs it off and continues to drink with his buddies. The third time, the older guy stumbles up and screams: "I ****ED YOUR MOM IN THE ASS!!!" Finally, the guy looks at the older man and says: "Dad, go home. You're drunk."

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

What's a four letter word for a woman, that ends with the letters U-N-T? Aunt. get your mind out of the gutter

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Skid marks in front of the dog.

Two guys are out hunting when one of them stops to take a leak. While draining the lizard, a snake bites him right on the peepee. He falls to the ground, writhing in pain. His buddy comes running over to see what happened. The victim yells out to him to use his cell phone to call for help. The rescuer calls 911 and says, "I need help, quick! WE're way out in the woods and my buddy just got bitten by a snake. What do I do?" VICTIM: "What'd they say" BUDDY: "Wait a minute, they're looking it up." 911: "OK, first tie a tourniquet between the wound and the victim's heart." The buddy runs over and does as he's told. BUDDY: "OK, did that. Now what?" OPERATOR: "Now, you have to suck the poison out." Long silence. VICTIM: "What? What did she say?" BUDDY: "Operator, could you repeat that, please?" OPERATOR: "You have to suck the poison out of the wound. That's the only way to get it out of him." Another long silence, and the buddy hangs up. VICTIM: "WHAT DID SHE SAY,DAMMIT?" BUDDY: "She said you're gonna die."

laughed so hard i cried.

What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse? A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What do you call a jackass that stays up for hours posting jokes for you all to read... tater...

Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One turns to the other and says, "Let's get ****-faced."

So the Pope goes to America and he's in New York and has to go upstate somewhere so they set him up with this big long limo and as soon as they get outside the city he asks the chauffeur to pull over and says he wants to drive. So the chauffeur is a little taken aback but, well, it's the Pope so he slides over and the Pope gets in the driver's seat. Well, the Pope likes to drive and he likes to drive fast so he's tooling along at around 90 mph when he hears a siren. So the cop catches up with him and motions him over to the side of the road. The Pope rolls down his window and says, "Yes, officer?" Well, it's Officer Murphy and he nearly drops his teeth when he sees who's inside. "Excuse me, Your Reverence, just a moment," he says. So he goes back to his patrol car and gets on the phone to the chief. "You aren't going to believe who I just pulled over," he says. "Who?" says the chief. "Is it the mayor again?" "No," says Murphy, "bigger than the mayor." "What, is it the governor?" says the chief. "No," Murphy says, "much bigger than the governor." "Much bigger than the governor?" says the chief. "Who is it? Sinatra?" "No, bigger than Sinatra," says Murphy. "Who can be bigger than Sinatra?" says the chief. "I don't know," says Murphy, "but he's got the Pope for a chauffeur."

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."

I hope that I die peacefully, in my sleep, like my granddad. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

A women goes to her doctor, says: "Doctor, I think my husband is hobosexual." The confused doctor asks, "Do you mean he's gay?" The woman replies, "no, he's a ****ing bum!"

This couple has been married 20 years, and the husband insists on turning out the lights whenever they make love. One night, his wife flips on the lights in the middle of the act and finds him servicing her with a dildo. "What are you doing?!" she yells. He says, "I'll explain the dildo. You explain our three kids."

How many americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?????????????? none it was outsourced to india

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut." The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

A cop pulls over a guy for speeding COP: let me see your driver's liscence please? MAN: I dont have a driver's liscence oficer... COP: well then why do you own a car if you have no liscence???? MAN: It's not my car it's stolen... Cop: so you're telling me that you have no liscence and you are driving around in a stolen car.... MAN: The man says yes sir and I supose I should tell you about dead body in the trunk before you find it shouldn't I....but let's get the cheif first before I open it up for you. The cop calls for backup and the cheif of police shows up and the man asks the cheif what the problem is... Cheif: Officer Smith says that you have no liscence, that you are driving a stolen car and that you have a dead body in the trunk... MAN: what do you mean here's my liscence right here. (he pulls his liscence from his wallet) Cheif: Well this all seems legal and legit... What about this stolen car business?? Man: here's my registration, as you can see the car legally belongsto me. Cheif: This all looks in order... Now let's pop the trunk and get a look at the dead body in the trunk.. Man: the guy pops the trunk and there is only a spare tire in the trunk and no body.... Cheif: I don't get it, Officer Smith told me that you had no liscence, that you were driving a stolen car and that you had a dead body in the trunk...... Man: I bet you he told you that I was speeding... you can't beleive a word this guy says so how about I just get back on the road....

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?" "I sure do," answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a F@gg0t, ain't ya?"

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife. "See if they fit." "They don't." "Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on. "I can't get into these." "And you won't, either, with that attitude."

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY ~~~~~ DAY 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am- OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm- OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM- OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction of ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today I attempted to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking and almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust these vile oppressors, I made myself vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed. DAY 766- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed about what a good cat I was. Not working according to plan. DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could smell the foul odor what they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his confinement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..

A man was speeding, going about 95 mph down the highway, when he was pulled over by the state police. The Statie, being in a good mood for once, decided to give the guy a break, if the driver could give him a good reason for driving so fast. The driver stared ahaead, smiled to himself, and said "Last week, my wife of 15 years left me for a cop, and I thought you were trying to give her back." The Statie ripped up the ticket.

Hey Tater...you should read through my joke thread...That way you won't keep reposting...:lol: :dthumb:

or get more shorter ones.

a preist is hearing confesions and has to go to the bathroom so he asks the churches janitor to sit in for a minute while he goes to the bathroom... the janitor is sitting in as a woman enters the confessional and starts to confess Woman: Father forgive me for I have sinned.. I have had sex out of wedlock.. Janitor: Ahhhhhhhhh...... say five hail mary's and you will be forgiven... Woman: But I also have had oral sex too... what about that???? Janitor: Ahhhhhhhhh..... say five our fathers and you will be forgiven... Woman: but I have also had anal sex too...... with this statement the janitor has no idea what to dish out as a a pennence for this so he catches one of the alter boys walking buy and gets his attention: Janitor: Hey son... what does Father Flannagan give for anal sex??? Alter Boy: usually a cookie and a glass of milk...

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but can't find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand dollars. So that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner. "Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box" "And what about the thousand dollars?" asked the old man. "Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"

Two Tampons Were Crossing The Street. They See A Friend. Which One Waves? Neither, They Are Both Stuck Up Cu^ts

What do you find up a clean nose? Fingerprints

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women? Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?...Viagra Falls

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment? Po-pouri!!!

When is the only polite time to slap a midget? When he says, "Gee, your hair smells terrific."

Questions that have Confused humankind!! a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\" a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\" a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat? a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs! a.. What do you call male ballerinas? a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn\'t he just buy dinner? a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass? a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Stupid facts 1. Coca-cola was originally green. 2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. 3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. 4. Dumbest dog: Afghan 5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2 8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000 9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong 10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% 14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44% 16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33 17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7 18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36% 19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43% 20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC 21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80% 22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50% 23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58% 24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85% 25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105 26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70% 29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3 31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3 32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7 33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90% 34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3% 35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50% 36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5 37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7. 38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3 39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon 40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt 41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage" 42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals 43. Only food that does not spoil: honey 44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing) 45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird 46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica 47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig 48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water. 49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. 50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. 51. Polar bears are left-handed. 52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 53. Eskimos never gamble. 54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. 55. The youngest pope was 11 years old. 56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. 57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. 58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. 59. Your nose and ears never stop growing. 60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined. 61. Hot water is heavier than cold. 62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515. 63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better. 64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk. 65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg. 66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation. 67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer." 68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. 69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year. 70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. 71. Men get hiccups more often than women. 72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

Q: Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio? A: Yep, and on the window, and on the dashboard... Q: What did Princess Diana turn into at the stroke of midnight? A: A wall...

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?" George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…" Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she’s lying on her back?" George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat? A: The Wheelchair!

Cover Charge: $15.00 Round of Drinks: $23.00 Table Dance: $30.00 Another Round of Drinks: $23.00 Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00 A Round of Shots: $34.00 Another Round of Drinks: $23.00 Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00 Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00 Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her: ...........PRICELESS!

Which condom would you use.... Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.' Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!' Chevron: use them? people do. Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border MCI: for friends and family Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are United Airlines travel pack: Fly United The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef? Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right! Maxwell House: Good to the last drop! McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities Burger King: Have it your way Dairy Queen: We treat you right AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait that long) 2) Thou shall not do drugs. (alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.) 3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Walmart has a bigger selection) 4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this) 5) Thou shall not steal from your parents. (everyone knows grandma has more money) 6) Thou shall not get into fights. (Cat fight anyhow...just start them.) 7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off) 8) Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more) 9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (like Nike says, "just do it") 10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street. (just leave'm in the middle)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men Said **** him! - he's only an egg!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!" Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother. Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.' Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic! Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18. Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their ******* and they vapor lock. Q. The three words most hated by men during sex? A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?" Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!" Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.. Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Q. How can you tell a macho women? A. She rolls her own tampons. Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hair balls. Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a *****? A: Crust. Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

amateur...:wink: ...:cheers: ...:dthumb: http://www.twowheelforum.com/showthread.php?t=2217&highlight=bumblebee+joke+thread I stopped posting them when people quit reading them :readng: If I found them, I read them. and almost guarantied a response.:whore:

A bloke walks into a pet shop and asks the assistant: 'I'd like to buy a wasp please' the assitant replies: 'you what?' 'I'd like to buy a wasp' I'm sorry we don't sell wasps' 'Well you've got one in the window'

... A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she's touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

A girl takes her boyfriend back home after a night out. She tells him to be very quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up , she'll be in big trouble as she's not allowed to take boys home. They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and asks, 'where's the toilet? I need to go.' She says, 'It's upstairs, next to my parents bedroom,but you can't go there as you'll probably wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead.' He goes into the kitchen and, after a short while, he pops his head around the living room door and says to his girlfriend, 'Have you got any paper?'

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom....... be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Q: What do women and computers have in common? A; You never know just how much you need them until they go down on you!

Q. What do women and a toilet seat have in common? A. They are both warm when you get there, but you're always wondering who was there before you!

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk!

Q. why do some blonde girls have bruises around their bellybuttons? A. because blonde guys aren't that smart either!

A BLONDE GUY JOKE It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys... Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.

You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

this has some similarity to a previous joke i posted but is a little different.. FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****. Amen

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. ! A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came! back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

An elderly couple goes in to the docotrs office, the man is getting an exmaniantion The doctor says to him "I need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine smaple and sperm sample" The man goes"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" The doctor says " I need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool smaple and sperm sample" The man goes"WWhaaaaaaaaat?" The doctor syas "" I need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool smaple and sperm sample"" The man turns oth is wife and says "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? What idd he say?" His wife says"Just give him your underwear"

why does Elton John play the piano? because he sucks on the organ!

Q. How many emos does it take to screw on a a light bulb? A. Two. One to put the new one in and the other one to write a depressing, sad song about how it misses the other lightbulb.

On Valentines Day a poor person and a rich person that used to know each other meet. They exchage stories of the past and of the present. Then the poor guy asks the rich : "what did you buy your wife?" The rich man replies : "A diamond ring and a BMW." The poor man looks at him for a second and asks : "why did you get her a diamon ring AND a BMW?" The rich man replies : "If she doesnt like the ring shell have the BMW." The rich man asks the poor man : "And what did you buy your wife?" The poor man replies : "I bought her shoes and a dildo." The rich man looks at the poor man for a second and ask : "Why did you buy her shoes AND a dildo?" The poor man says : "Well if she doesnt like the shoes, she can go f*ck herself."

what do 50 cent's friends say when they find him sewing? G-You knit!?

a fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells "this is not a drill"

Q. What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag? A. One is made out of plastic and dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to carry grocerys

Advantages Of Being A Woman Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

dude where in the heck did you find all these jokes from?

dude where in the heck did you find all these jokes from? most were copy and paste from some websites and I have most saved on my laptop for the occasion where I'm gonna need a joke to break the ice... like if I were going to a diner with a doctor or a lawyer I might post this... A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Juan. If any of these offend anyone please let me know and I will remove any jokes please let it be known that I am not prejudice.. I hate everyone equally.... no but seriously dont be afraid to pm me if you find anything offensive... and blondes pm= private message Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War? A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War. disclaimer: I support our troops but not always our "leader" Q: What do you call a guy with a shovel stuck into his head? A: Doug Q: What do you call a guy without a shovel stuck into his head? A: Douglas Hey my last name is Douglas :lol:

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A man was speeding, going about 95 mph down the highway, when he was pulled over by the state police. The Statie, being in a good mood for once, decided to give the guy a break, if the driver could give him a good reason for driving so fast. The driver stared ahaead, smiled to himself, and said "Last week, my wife of 15 years left me for a cop, and I thought you were trying to give her back." The Statie ripped up the ticket. Good one, Hope I don't have to use it on my way to Atl tommorow.

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

http://www.toonjokes.com/data/media/3/243.jpg

me stunting.. http://www.toonjokes.com/data/media/7/16.jpg KIDDING THIS MAY BE A REPOST

Just for laughs. http://www.vegasstreetriders.com/vsr/images/smiles/kel_teabag.gif

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab." As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."

thats a god one...

Uses for Vodka 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set 5 minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. 5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry. 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse t he skin and tighten pores. 7. Add a splash of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 8. Fill a 16-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them. 9. Pour 1/2 cup vodka and 1/2 cup water in a freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, reusable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes... 10. Fill a clean, empty jar with freshly packed lavender flowers. Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly, and set it in the sun for 3 days. Strain liquid, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing 9 tablespoons powered cinnamon with 1 cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for 2 weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. (DON'T SWALLOW!) 12. Using a cotton swab, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out. 13. If blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anestheic that also disinfects the exposed dermis. 14. To treat dandruff, mix 1 cup vodka with 2 teaspoons crushed rosemary. Let sit 2 days, strain through a coffee filter, massage into your scalp and dry. 15. To treat an earache, put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let sit for a few minutes, then drain. Vodka will kill the bacteria causing pain in your ear. 16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. 18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. 19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin. 20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. And, my personal favorite... 21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle upside-down and drink it. Then nothing else will matter anyway! :cheers:

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were winners for 2003: 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican or Haitian proctologist.

Uses for Vodka 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive. 21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle upside-down and drink it. Then nothing else will matter anyway! :cheers: I was thinking of #21 when I read #1...

n American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call". AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!!!:dthumb:

A Very Faithful Woman An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

There were two blondes driving on a country road when they spotted another blonde in a rowboat rowing across a field of corn. "You know, she's making all us blondes look stupid doing that", said the first blonde. " I think we should go do something about it", said the other blonde. So they drove back to the field and got out of the truck, stood on the edge of the field and yelled, "If we could swim we'd come out there and teach you a lesson".

Three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, all escaped from a local prison. As they crossed into farmland they heard sirens in the distance. Knowing that the only way to escape would be to hide, the brunette suggested hiding in the barn on the farm. All agreed and each went in, found an empty burlap sac, and hid inside of it. The police eventually made it to the farm and began searching the barn for the three escapees. One of the officers went over and kicked the bag the brunette was in. "Woof, woof", said the brunette. "Must be puppies", thought the officer. He then went over to the red heads bag and kicked it. "Meow, meow", said the red head. "Must be kittens", thought the officer. He then made his way over to the blondes bag and thought, "I wonder what this could be?" He kicked the bag and the blonde yelled, "Potatoes!"

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars. Acura NSX - I'm impotent. Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires. Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states. Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp. Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman. Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people. Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis. Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck. Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate. Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart). Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones. Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them. Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit. Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle. Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic. Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment. Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50. Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic. Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom. Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler. MGB - I'm dating a midget. Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either. Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts. Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer. Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock. Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms. Pontiac Aztek - Too easy. Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie. Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal. Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic). Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu. Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet. Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could. Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet. Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now. Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns. Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked, soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravishes me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mo ther-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hid under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think of me as being rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls . . . I don't want to go to Iraq either."

:lol:

What, no more jokes around here.....:flush:

One liners. Lot's of 'em. 'nuff said. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass. Now that food has replaced my sex life, I can't even get into my own pants! Happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only u can feel its warmth! On a scale between one to ten, you're an idiot! "A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno "Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200" "An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien "AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think? "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson "If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera." "It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind. "Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth." - God "Streakers *repant* your end is in sight." "The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade. "What do you take me for, an idiot?" - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy ' 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying 'Bother!' said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurfs. 'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson. 'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around. 'When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.' - Chuck Norris 37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent. 47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions. 60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.

665: Neighbour of the Beast. 666A, 666B - Tenants of the beast. 766: Upstairs neighbour of the Beast. 9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better. A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six. A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not to bright and it spreads easily.. A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... A rock --> me <-- A hard place A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop. A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help. Above all else: Sky. Absence makes the heart grow fungus. Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf. Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age... All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?". And he disappeared in a puff of logic. And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers. Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored. Assassins do it from behind. At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year. Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. Be alert - the world needs more lerts. Because of the California Power Crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished. Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Broken promises don't bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me. But looking ridiculous IS the fashion this year! By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry". Carpenter's rule: cut to fit. beat into place. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh. Clones are people two. Condense soup, not books Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines! Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good. Customer: Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! Waiter: It should, sir, it was ground this morning.

Can't resist posting this oldie! A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor -- to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt? A Mechanic

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower -Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", KC says, "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow.'" She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".. then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are." Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r24/ChromeThunder02/Funnies/collegehumor_cf3d66a0ec3cddb0707b0e.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v518/Grndel/image004.jpg?t=1169224554 not the best representation at the martin luther king march...

how do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry the fox:wink:

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower............. give the bioch a shovel......

why did the snowman take off his pants? he heard the snowblower was coming by

Scientists say women will eventually contain intelligent DNA. Unfortuately 95% of them will spit it out.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Scientists say women will eventually contain intelligent DNA. Unfortuately 95% of them will spit it out. :lol:

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g313/luv2luv_tt/squirrel.jpg

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g313/luv2luv_tt/squirrel.jpg :iagree: now that....my friend is TRULY awesome :slol: Now I will leave ya'll on that one for the weekend lmao......

there was this kid sitting on some steps, he had a cat on one side of him, and a bowl of m&m's on the other. his mom is washing the dishes, she looks out side and see the kid.. sitting on the top step, as she glances the kid picks up the cat, bites it on the ass, eats some m&m's and moves down one step. she looks oddly at the kid.. and doesn't say any thing.. she watches him for a few minutes. the kid picks the cat up, bites it on the ass. eats a few m&m's and moves down another step. the mom comes out and asks "son what are you doing" the kid replies "practicing to be a truck driver" the mom asks, "what do you mean" the kid replies "eating *****, popping pills, and moving on" :angelhap:

Hey Think your life is bad? Try being an egg.... You only get laid once, it takes 4 minutes to get hard, and the only chick to sit on your face is your mom! :lol: