Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always has the right of way.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
After a night of heavy drinking, Chuck Norris took a piss in a back alley. Inadvertently, his urine hit a sleeping bum, who immediately died of alcohol poisoning. Chuck didn't even get a hangover.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. It’s never his own.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's cock is so large he has a fiveskin.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the trophy until Oscar grows a beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't own any odd-socks. They stay together out of fear.
Each year, Chuck Norris brings gifts to people across the world as compensation for killing one of their loved ones. We know this day as Christmas.
Chuck Norris scared God into giving men nipples. They are his targets.
While you may be able to kill 2 birds with one stone, Chuck Norris can kill 475.
Walker Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris is the original reality-television show.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role of Spider-Man, but was forced to turn it down because his beard kept ripping through the mask.
Underneath Chuck Norris’ beard is not a chin, it’s another fist.
Stores will accept Monopoly money if Chuck Norris is paying.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to kill you today. Chuck Norris is patient.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called The Islands.