tater's joke thread - TwoWheelForum: Motorcycle and Sportbike forums
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post #1 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
 
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tater's joke thread

Old man Martin visits Mable his 80 year old companion every day at 3pm for a nice little hand job to satisfy his "needs"

day after day, week after week month after month a handjob a day keeps Martin happy...

suddenly one day Martin stops showing up.. and the next day no show again... five days go by and Mable starts to get worried.. finally mable makes her way daown the hall in the old folks home and sees Martin sitting with a different woman Estelle...

Mable gets pi$$ed off and shouts out what does she have that I don't????????????????????????????????????????

Martin responds.... parkinsons disease....
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post #2 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
 
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So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.

The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. “You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you.”

“Okay,” she says, “my name is Jill.”

The owner looks her over and says, “I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'”

The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's doing. He answers, “Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!”
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post #3 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:49 PM Thread Starter
 
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A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
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post #4 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
 
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A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
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post #5 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:53 PM Thread Starter
 
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The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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post #6 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:55 PM Thread Starter
 
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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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post #7 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-07-2006, 11:57 PM Thread Starter
 
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Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar.
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post #8 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
 
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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"
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post #9 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:01 AM Thread Starter
 
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Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''
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post #10 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:03 AM Thread Starter
 
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Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
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post #11 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:04 AM Thread Starter
 
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This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks, ''''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
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post #12 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:09 AM Thread Starter
 
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1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
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post #13 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:11 AM Thread Starter
 
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two @ssh***s."

"What? He had two @ssho**s?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assho**s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two asshol*s.'"
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post #14 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:13 AM Thread Starter
 
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Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
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post #15 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:17 AM Thread Starter
 
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Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.
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post #16 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 12:52 AM
 
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golf tee rules-
White tee, furthest away for "pro's"
Blue tee, in the middle for guys
red tee, closest to the pin for ladies.

This guy shows up to play a round of golf, alone, and starts setting up his shot.
A good looking lady walkes up, and asks if she could play along with him, he figures, whats the problem, sure, couldnt hurt to play a round of golf with a pretty lady.

So they play the 18 holes, and she KICKS HIS ASS. cleans the course with him. He, obviously embarassed thanks her for the fun game and begins to leave, she says "wait. I feel bad for beating you so badly, so what do you say we go over in the bushes there, and i'll give you a b/j to make up for it?"

He thinks "WOW! NO WAY! HECK YEAH LETS GO!" they head to the bushes do their business and he thanks her she thanks him and they go on their way.

a few days later, same guy is setting up to tee off, and the SAME girl comes and asks to play along..he OF COURSE agrees, and the same thing happens again.

This goes on for about two weeks, and finally one day after their 18 holes, she says to him "i havent been completely honest with you....im actually a man"

The man looks dumbfounded, stares at her for a minute and then exclaims "AND YOU'VE BEEN HITTING OFF THE RED TEE THIS WHOLE TIME!?"
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post #17 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 06:31 AM
 
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Two fish in a tank!
One turns to the other and says

"you man the guns, I'll drive!

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post #18 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 06:33 AM
 
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Three Nuns sitting on a park bench

This guy comes up and flashes at them

two of them had a stroke!
The third one couldn't reach!

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post #19 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 07:33 AM
 
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Now that is how you

solid thread tater
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post #20 of 193 (permalink) Old 08-08-2006, 07:34 AM
 
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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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