81 Rules and Instructions on Being a Man
1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure
it out by herself.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal,
such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed
it to them or already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask.
People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. THREE WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She
will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it
out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially
female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them
--- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may
get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak; sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something,
either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. LIE I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an
answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey,
will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess
how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica
of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. DonŐt even think about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely
in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back... Diss her
again. Repeat cycle.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You
know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP!
This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself.
Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say
anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU,
and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to
cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember that every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and
it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it.
You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh
loud, laugh heartily.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is
for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at
least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. Beer. Then more beer.
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk
to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually
ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you
again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll
pretend I want to be your friend.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few
minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his
daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else,
she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to
end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
77. Default facial _expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt.
Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try
your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what
you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and
continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes
in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you
possibly can and then say, "SEE?! I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually,
people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "***** music" such as Erasure, Depeche Mode, Color Me
Badd, or Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.