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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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How to poo at work

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.




-Chris
aka Gas Man



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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 04:41 PM
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:BAHA:

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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 04:52 PM
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that is hilarious because it's true

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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 04:56 PM
 
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Didn't know they had that, but I obey many of those.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 05:01 PM
 
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that is hilarious because it's true
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 05:03 PM
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:BAHA: very true if only everybody else abided by these rules.

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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 10:57 PM
 
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Our chief passed these around here at work a while back. They are hilarious.



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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 10:57 PM
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best thing about pooing at work, your getting paid to sit on the pot



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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 10:58 PM
 
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best thing about pooing at work, your getting paid to sit on the pot
DAMN RIGHT. We've got a guy here who actually holds it at home till he gets to work. Dedication.



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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 10:58 PM
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tee hee. I'm a turd burglar for sure.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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tee hee. I'm a turd burglar for sure.
You just called yourself a turdburgler.



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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 11:02 PM
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he aint the only one



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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 11:04 PM
 
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This is me:

Quote:
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 11:08 PM
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During the "sun up" hours i work with kids, teaching pre-schoolers. Granted i work w/ a bunch of chicks...




One day i walked into the bathroom and saw the ugliest most raunchy act of human defication... it was like chewbaca threw up and then ten cats **** on it.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-06-2006, 11:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NONE_too_SOFT View Post
During the "sun up" hours i work with kids, teaching pre-schoolers. Granted i work w/ a bunch of chicks...




One day i walked into the bathroom and saw the ugliest most raunchy act of human defication... it was like chewbaca threw up and then ten cats **** on it.




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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-07-2006, 07:51 AM
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We have a lot of Uncle Teds here. ALso our Vice President of Engineering is the Escapee king.
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-07-2006, 08:31 AM
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I didn't even get past "
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office "before I started


insert \Rept Smile
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-07-2006, 08:32 AM
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Double Post...

I'm getting good at this thing
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-07-2006, 01:18 PM
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Didn't know they had that, but I obey many of those.

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