What's the Difference Between Flirting and Cheating? - TwoWheelForum: Motorcycle and Sportbike forums
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post #1 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 06:22 AM Thread Starter
 
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What's the Difference Between Flirting and Cheating?

I love these topics


My last blog entry raised the question of why men cheat, and thousands of you weighed in--not just on the whys of cheating, but on what, exactly, constitutes cheating. In fact, one woman said she considers it cheating if her man so much as looks at another woman. Huh? You mean he's not even allowed to scope, peek, glance, admire, or notice another beautiful woman? Now, it's one thing to hold a man's words, actions, or nether regions to a high standard. But his eyes, too? That seems to make about as much sense as our societal obsession with Britney's apparently empty underwear drawer.

While researching my book Men, Love & Sex, I found that not only do men and women define fidelity differently, but they also fail to talk about their definitions before something happens (with the exception of the one action everyone acknowledges as cheating). Here's how guys tend to define the murkier areas of fidelity. Don't like it? Then talk about it now before he steps across a line he didn't know existed.



Flirting or Cheating? Looking at another woman?
It's one thing if his tongue drops to the floor in your presence; that's just plain disrespectful (though 80 percent of men have admitted to looking at other women even with their wives or girlfriends around). But cheating? Hardly. Men think there's a huge difference between thinking and acting. "We have two sides--the committed husband/boyfriend and the 'check out the hottie' side. In men, the committed wins out, but the checker always exists," says one man who responded to the Harris poll I used when researching the book. (And ladies, don't even try to tell me you haven't had more than a couple of thoughts and conversations about whether McDreamy or McSteamy is hotter.)


Flirting or Cheating? E-mailing an ex?
The e-mail exchange per se isn't a cheat (depending on exactly what's exchanged, of course). But, for many people, any contact beyond a few truly platonic and innocent "just catching up" messages is a relationship-killer-not because of the act itself, but because of the potential act that may follow. About 60 percent of guys consider dinner and drinks with an ex as cheating. Looking her up online? Only 20 percent of us would classify that as a relationship no-no.


Flirting or Cheating? Hanging out with the women at work?
Here's the real relationship danger zone: About 50 percent of guys consider having dinner and drinks with an attractive co-worker as cheating. But the more troubling stat for you may be this one: One in five men says that he secretly loves his platonic (for now) coworker. Just look at Jim and Pam on The Office, and you know exactly what I'm talking about. That's not meant to scare you-more just to make sure you keep your eyes open (as if you don't already) and intentions honorable.


Flirting or Cheating? Kissing another woman?
Some guys may try to wiggle out of a drunken kiss with a stranger (or coworker, in the cloakroon, at the Christmas party) as a one-time-only event. But the true test about whether a guy thinks something is cheating is whether he'd be ok with the situation reversed. Guys don't want their women exchanging lip balm (or any thing else physical) with another guy, and nearly 90 percent of guys agree that their own drunken hook-up with a stranger is indeed off-limits.


Flirting or Cheating? Going to a strip club?
The good news for those of you who are anti-exotic dancer: Half of men think that visiting a strip club is cheating. The other half? Going to a strip club is like going to a sporting event-there's lots of entertainment, lots of excitement, and lots of interest in watching the most talented players in action. In the poll, many men said that they feel there's no harm in once-in-a-while visits since there's no emotional attachment and only temporary, artificial physical attraction. "Sometimes, to be blunt about it," one man responded in the poll, "it's just a bit of art appreciation, and it's nice to see another woman naked."
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post #2 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 06:48 AM
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Flirting or Cheating: Looking at another woman/man?
Neither. It's human nature to look.

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Originally Posted by 1BadCBR View Post
Flirting or Cheating: E-mailing an ex?
Initially, I'd say neither. But then it depends on the context/content of the email.

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Flirting or Cheating: Hanging out with the women/men at work?
Um, again, neither (but "hanging out" needs to be defined... if it's to the exclusion of your S.O., then it could be problematic, even if there ISN'T cheating/flirting going on).

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Flirting or Cheating: Kissing another woman/man?
If it's a smooch on the cheek in greeting/salutations (and it's a close friend) then it's nothing.

If it's more passionate than that, then it's cheating.

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Flirting or Cheating: Going to a strip club?
Neither. As with #1, if you're merely looking (and not going with the intent of trying to get a lapdance with a "happy ending"), it's human nature, and not cheating or flirting.


Bottom line for all of it: If you wouldn't do it/say it right in front of your S.O.. chances are you shouldn't be doing it.
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post #3 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 07:03 AM
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You always know when you have crossed the line between flirting and cheating...

Strip clubs? My wife used to take me to strip clubs...
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post #4 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 07:07 AM
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Strip clubs? My wife used to take me to strip clubs...
Yeah, I've never understood what some women's objections to strip clubs are. Insecurity can be a destructive force.
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post #5 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 07:37 AM
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When we were living in Daytona, we used to frequent the Shingle Shack with another couple...After a few drinks, we would have to restrain his wife from getting up on the table/stage and dancing/stripping...

They tried to hire her several times...Considering she managed the Pro Shop at one of the elite country clubs in Daytona...she decided she'd better not...
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post #6 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 07:39 AM
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They tried to hire her several times...Considering she managed the Pro Shop at one of the elite country clubs in Daytona...she decided she'd better not...
Yeah, something tells me she'd have run into MORE than a couple of people at both locations.
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post #7 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 07:43 AM
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EXACTLY...
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post #8 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 09:08 AM
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I don't know or care how society defines it. For me flirting is letting someone know they are attractive and that you appreciate them (looks, personality, whatever) It is something that should be kept to a minimum since the person your flirting with could perceive it as an invitation. Hence I seldom openly flirt. My wife would view any open flirtation as being disrespectful of her (since she is the one and only queen of my heart) but not as cheating or unfaithfulness.

Cheating would , IMHO, be any...by any means...interactions and intimate interpersonal dealings. Racy E-mails, photo swapping, web cam, phone (or text sex), lap dancing, anything like that would set off my conscience and give me the guilt trip blues for sure.

I suppose someone would have to think more as "what would I think about my spouse if they did _____?" If I would call her unfaithful or disrespectful by it, I should set the same standard for myself.

That said each relationship is different and has to find a "happy place". I have seen some that were very open minded and even competitive in their flirtations. Not that I beleive those relationships will last long...

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post #9 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 09:42 AM
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hmmm...that is such a loaded question...i think alot of it would also depend on the person in question...

Looking at another woman...i dont think thats cheating...from time to time I will point out an attractive woman to my husband, so obviously I dont care if he looks, I tease him about it if I catch him, and give him pointers on not being so obvious...but I am totally comfy in my skin and not the least bit worried bout him leaving me, if he does, he does and there wouldnt be anything I could do to change that...but I figure after 6 years if he was gonna leave he wouldve...

Emailing an Ex...depends on the context, i email and get emails from time to time from my exes, but there is nothing going on there, my first serious boyfriend I ever had came to my wedding so... no one can compare to my hubby so he doesnt worry too much anymore...i feel the same way, but anytime we are feeling funny about the other, we just look at the emails or messages...with permission of course...NEVER SNOOP!!

Hanging out with Co-workers...again, depends on how you are hanging out...excluding SO intentionally, maybe cheating...if you are having marital problems and you are doing this, def cheating...doing anything other than hanging out, i.e. swapping spit, etc, cheating...

Kissing opposite sex...DEF Cheating!!!

Strip clubs...not cheating unless you are going home with employees...

ya know, alot of this all depends on the person...a person who is not totally comfy in a relationship or insecure will view things totally opposite than someone who is...for that matter, i have several married guy friends that i/we (me and hubby) hang out with, often times with their spouses as well and we give each other hard times, tease, etc...and that could be construed as flirting to some ppl who dont know us or just happen to be passing by, while I/we consider them family, brothers and sisters...
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post #10 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 09:52 AM
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what about dancing at the bar or dance club? cheating or flirting



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post #11 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 09:55 AM
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what about dancing at the bar or dance club? cheating or flirting
Depends. Dancing with friends, hanging out, not focusing attention on any one person? Nothing wrong with it at all.

Dancing primarily with one person, provocative manner? Flirting (could border on cheating depending upon the level of physical contact, if any).

That said, flirting in an of itself, isn't always a bad thing. Again, it's all dependent on the context and intent, and if it's something you'd do if your mate was standing beside you.
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post #12 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 09:57 AM
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That said, flirting in an of itself, isn't always a bad thing. Again, it's all dependent on the context and intent, and if it's something you'd do if your mate was standing beside you.
TRUE!!
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post #13 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:03 AM
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If you have to ask, it's wrong and you shouldn't be doing it.

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post #14 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:05 AM
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TRUE!!
Or how you would feel if she were doing it in front of you!

Strip clubs is just a fantasy deal. For me like Browsing and looking at a Ferrarri dealership! My first wife was OK with it, even sent me on my birthday once. Maybe it was becuase while I was busy dreaming and looking she was out banging every guy at the Applebee's Bar and Grill
Why did we seperate I wonder?


However my current wife doesn't like me having fantasies about other women and sure wouldn't appreciate one sitting on my lap!

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post #15 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:11 AM
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Or how you would feel if she were doing it in front of you!

Strip clubs is just a fantasy deal. For me like Browsing and looking at a Ferrarri dealership! My first wife was OK with it, even sent me on my birthday once. Maybe it was becuase while I was busy dreaming and looking she was out banging every guy at the Applebee's Bar and Grill
Why did we seperate I wonder?


However my current wife doesn't like me having fantasies about other women and sure wouldn't appreciate one sitting on my lap!

ouch!!! as long as hubby isnt getting all freaky with the strippers i am okay with it, but hes only gone once and that was with the guys celebrating a promotion or something, he doesnt even like to drink very much so i dont worry, them sitting in his lap is of course off limits, i draw the line at touching other strange women...
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post #16 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:29 AM
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Or how you would feel if she were doing it in front of you!

However my current wife doesn't like me having fantasies about other women and sure wouldn't appreciate one sitting on my lap!
If you do it in front of them, and there's something they don't like, then they need to communicate such. If it's harmless, and you're not touching/going overboard, then it might be your partner's problem and not yours. But each couple has to determine what's 'okay' and what's not. What's okay for us may not work for the next person, and vice versa.

As for your wife not liking you to have fantasies about other women? I think it's unrealistic for anyone to expect their partner will NEVER have thoughts of another person. Fantasy is just that... it's for your own personal enjoyment, and it's in your own head. So long as it doesn't interfere with your intimacy with her, why should it bother her?
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post #17 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:31 AM
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ouch!!! as long as hubby isnt getting all freaky with the strippers i am okay with it, but hes only gone once and that was with the guys celebrating a promotion or something, he doesnt even like to drink very much so i dont worry, them sitting in his lap is of course off limits, i draw the line at touching other strange women...


Chris has only been twice in the time we've been together (both were bachelor parties, and one of them I was with him). I could care less either way... as long as he's not going EVERY weekend, who cares?

But yeah, it's definitely a no-toucing policy.
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post #18 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:45 AM
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If you do it in front of them, and there's something they don't like, then they need to communicate such. If it's harmless, and you're not touching/going overboard, then it might be your partner's problem and not yours. But each couple has to determine what's 'okay' and what's not. What's okay for us may not work for the next person, and vice versa.

As for your wife not liking you to have fantasies about other women? I think it's unrealistic for anyone to expect their partner will NEVER have thoughts of another person. Fantasy is just that... it's for your own personal enjoyment, and it's in your own head. So long as it doesn't interfere with your intimacy with her, why should it bother her?

Actually Fantasy usually enhances intimacy with your partner or at least in my experiences...

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post #19 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 10:46 AM
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Actually Fantasy usually enhances intimacy with your partner or at least in my experiences...
Oh absolutely (when discussed/shared). But if your partner ISN'T open to sharing fantasies, they're still something that can be enjoyed privately.
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post #20 of 82 (permalink) Old 12-12-2006, 12:39 PM
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ok.... when with a woman (miss her so much but in a better place up above) that is never boring and is always active in school and in sports and even afther graduation of college there is no time to be looking or thinking about other woman but her......there are always things to do places to go... but since i guess meet some boring girls then maibe that's I look and or flirt is just make some one's day and all a simple compliment thats nothing wrong....I say it in a good sence...but some ladys take offence of it...what ever my day will continue all in good senced..I think I'm just tring to find some one that can keepup...
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