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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2007, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Tourist Becomes Chili Judge

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who live in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @#%!-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 -- farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2007, 04:03 PM
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hehe that looks like This one
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2007, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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I guess so, I just got it in an email and laughed way more than I had expected...oh well
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2007, 05:36 PM
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reminds me of crawfish boils. The first few batches are for the tourists and children. We dont eat those. The next few warm you up, and the last boil is for the locals ONLY!

my one line signature
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2007, 09:46 PM
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 01:11 AM
 
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 05:10 AM
 
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Definately worth the repost. That sh*t had me teary eyed I was laughing so much.
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 05:32 AM
 
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Definately worth the repost. That sh*t had me teary eyed I was laughing so much.
Me too...I didn't read it all again this time. I just read the last two and still laughed hard.



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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 05:38 AM
 
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They just get funnier and funnier, the next one you read.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 05:41 AM
 
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Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.




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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 06:07 AM
 
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Quote:
I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by marko138 View Post
Quote:
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Definately worth the repost. That sh*t had me teary eyed I was laughing so much.
Me too...I didn't read it all again this time. I just read the last two and still laughed hard.
I still pull my copy out from time to time and laugh my head off... I don't think it will get old for a very long time (considering itís a few years old already)
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 08:25 AM
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Okay- now I know where to go for good chili!!

Escept for that vegetarian one
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 08:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Phenix_Rider View Post
Okay- now I know where to go for good chili!!

Escept for that vegetarian one
And I know where to go if I want my intestines to feel like they're filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 08:33 AM
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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by DLIT View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phenix_Rider View Post
Okay- now I know where to go for good chili!!

Escept for that vegetarian one
And I know where to go if I want my intestines to feel like they're filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
Or you both can just come to my house... and I could make some of my 3 meat 3 pepper Chili...
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 08:46 AM
 
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Or you both can just come to my house... and I could make some of my 3 meat 3 pepper Chili...
Not a fan of real spicy food.
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 08:51 AM
 
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Not a fan of real spicy food.

I sweat from ketchup I relate to Frank


WOO HOO ! ! !
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 09:00 AM
 
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I sweat from ketchup I relate to Frank
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2007, 10:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Low View Post
Or you both can just come to my house... and I could make some of my 3 meat 3 pepper Chili...


Quote:
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Not a fan of real spicy food.
BOOO!!!
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I sweat from ketchup I relate to Frank
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