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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Funny Story

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that big things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh*tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but big things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the ****ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.




I couldnt stop laughing as I read this the first time.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 02:09 PM
 
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 02:18 PM
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no matter how old I get, I will never get sick of poop jokes!
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 06:20 PM
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you said poop...


So that was YOU!!! You [email protected]@rd!!!


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they make the one i posted in a strap on version
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 07:14 PM
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 08:29 PM
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best thread of the day!!!!

REMBER THOSE WHO ARE NO LONGER WITH US AND KEEP THEM IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOUR HEARTS.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 08:30 PM
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 08:36 PM
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best thread of the day!!!!
man i love fart and poop stories/jokes!

01 CBR929RE ------------- 01 DRZ400S SOLD ------------ 95 CBR900RR

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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 08:41 PM
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Great story!

Submit your ride for the TWF Bike of the Month here


Currently ride 1987 GSXR 50, 1996 Ducati M900, 2005 GSXR 1000
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 11:05 PM
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best thread of the day!!!!
Oh holy FlUCK!!! That was hilarious...

Reminds me of a good one of mine... About two years ago this time, I clogged my toilet. Not one of those plungerable clogs... Not even a coathanger, plunger, and a skinny arm could undo this mess...

And of course the clogging occurred at 11pm on a Sunday and we couldn't get a hold of the landlord until Monday AM... Anyway, the landlord was a prick and wouldn't send a plumber until the following day...

So I Monday at work, I go to 'Accounting' (the term we use at work when we have to 'make a deposit')... Then Tuesday...

Noon... I am awakened to cramping and gurgling... Toilet is still clogged... No plumber... Hit the gas station on the corner... Bathroom DESTROYED... Things are getting desperate now, the pucker is resonating like a hummingbird's wings... Taco Bell is just across the street...

Make it in without a moment to spare... Crushed it... [IMG]http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/****/onesickpsycho/pooping.gif[/IMG]

As I flushed I was thinking, 'no way this is going to work'... The bowl slowly begins to fill...

I scramble out of the bathroom towards the side door that is conveniently RIGHT THERE... At this point I finally notice... It's right in the middle of the lunch rush, people everywhere... I pause to reflect this just long enough to hear the water flow out of the bowl and hit the floor... And as fast as I had came... *poof!* I was gone...

[IMG]http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/****/onesickpsycho/pooppoke.gif[/IMG]
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-14-2007, 11:09 PM
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-15-2007, 10:18 AM
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funny shyyyt.

YA THINK???
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-15-2007, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by SVRider View Post
you said poop...


So that was YOU!!! You [email protected]@rd!!!

Hows the phone???
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-15-2007, 10:41 AM
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OMG, that was funny as hell. I almost couldn't finish reading because I was laughing so hard.

Surrender the booty, and let me get my hands on that beautiful treasure chest!!

One of these days, I'll actually buy a bike again...
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