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post #1 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
 
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Anybody Out there?

Well within the past six or so months I have met alot of you through the internet of course, not in person as I'd have liked but made being here a daily activity of mine, if not several times a day. So I feel like I can talk openly with you all...

I was curious if anyone else on the board has had to deal with family issues such as drugs and alcohol. Recently in my life I have run into my brother having been in rehab twice for alcohol, sober for almost a year, and now back in rehab due to drugs. It certainly takes it toll on a family and is extremely hard to cope with it, being as he was the person I looked up to my whole life. Has anyone else had to deal with anything else like this that can relate to how Im feeling right now? I wish the "user" could realize how much it truly affects not just their life, but everyone around it.

As I'd like to say it has been a blessing in disquise because everytime he comes out he is a wonderful drug and alcohol free person, but for us it's typically a false sense of normalcy to vulnerability allowing most of the time us to set ourselves up for disappointment when they slip again. Well I'm at that place right now and was looking to see if anyone else could relate to this.

Thanks for giving me a place to spill and feel comfortable talking to you all!
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post #2 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:44 AM
 
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I have not dealt with this personally but I would just say don't give up on him if he was clean for a year he can do it he just needs some help like your providing
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post #3 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:45 AM
 
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Well I deal with it. My mother is a pot head. A daily user. She always smells like weed and I hate her being around my kids stoned. I have tried talking to her but thats like pulling teeth. She doesn't want to stop or get help. Same thing with her regualr smoking...she says you gotta die of something. The thing is I never knew about the pot til I moved out of the house at 19. I never knew.

So I can understand what you are going through. My kids dad was an alcoholic. I am talking a 24 beers a nite kinda guy. Then he got real sick. And realized he needed to stop. He has been sober 10 years.

At least your brother knows he has a problem and recognizes it. Just be supportive and let him know how it affects you. Have you told him how you feel? Has the family talked as a group?
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post #4 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
 
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Well I deal with it. My mother is a pot head. A daily user. She always smells like weed and I hate her being around my kids stoned. I have tried talking to her but thats like pulling teeth. She doesn't want to stop or get help. Same thing with her regualr smoking...she says you gotta die of something. The thing is I never knew about the pot til I moved out of the house at 19. I never knew.

So I can understand what you are going through. My kids dad was an alcoholic. I am talking a 24 beers a nite kinda guy. Then he got real sick. And realized he needed to stop. He has been sober 10 years.

At least your brother knows he has a problem and recognizes it. Just be supportive and let him know how it affects you. Have you told him how you feel? Has the family talked as a group?

I'm at the numb stage I think. I have set myself up for the let down now so many times I just go into numb mod. I go to my brother's house when this happens, help my sister in law with my two nieces and don't talk about it. I love my brother profusely, but as selfish as this sounds I'm annoyed that it keeps happening. That may make me sound like a bad person, but after a while, hope is so hard to come by.
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post #5 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:49 AM
 
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I'm at the numb stage I think. I have set myself up for the let down now so many times I just go into numb mod. I go to my brother's house when this happens, help my sister in law with my two nieces and don't talk about it. I love my brother profusely, but as selfish as this sounds I'm annoyed that it keeps happening. That may make me sound like a bad person, but after a while, hope is so hard to come by.
I think what you are feeling is justified. He has to really want to change. Until he comes to the realization he need to change and stay sober, all you can try to do is be positive.
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post #6 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
 
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I think what you are feeling is justified. He has to really want to change. Until he comes to the realization he need to change and stay sober, all you can try to do is be positive.
Thanks for the advice. You get to a point you feel like your the only one who feels anything. Thanks for the words of encouragement
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post #7 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 09:54 AM
 
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You are most welcome hun. I come from a very dysfunctional family. 3 uncles were alcoholics, my grandmother ended up with cirrohsis and finally got scared into sobriety! My mothers current husband is a drinker too. All I say to him is you keep driving drunk you are gonna kill yourself or some poor family and then you have to live with that. Of course it goes in one ear and out the other but I always try.
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post #8 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 10:25 AM
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My family is pretty clean, but my best friend in HS went through some serious crap with his mom and stepdad... They were junkies... shooting up Dilaudid on a daily basis...

It's rough stuff, I've seen what it can do... I am no expert, but from what I have seen it takes a real commitment on the part of the user and support from the family to kick habits like this... Yelling and screaming only make things worse, but a nice long, open, sober, talk can do some good... Ultimately it's that person's choice... All you can do is let them know how much it hurts you and those around you, but stay away from preachy, over-dramatized lectures in which the person can feel attacked... Confrontation will cause people to retract back into themselves... Casual won't get the point across... it's got to be a balance of the two...

Starting off with, "I am not going to lecture you or tell you how to live your life, but I know what you are doing and it's really hurting me... I care about you a lot and want you to be around for the big moments that are sure to come... wedding, kids, etc..." Don't go too far beyond that and drop it if they get defensive... You need them to be comfortable with the conversation... Oh, and a great close (for this and just about anything) is always, "if there is anything you need, want, or have any problems with, I want to help."
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post #9 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 10:28 AM
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I should add... You should never tell them what they MUST do... or NEED to do... Keep the ball in their court... If they are ready to confront it or talk openly about it, they will... Everybody knows what the right things to do if you find yourself addicted to something, but users rarely are willing to talk about it... If you state the obvious, "get some treatment", etc... You are just stating what they already know and are telling them what to do... Every since we were all 2 years old, we don't like to be told what to do... That gets worse as we age...
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post #10 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 10:53 AM
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K this is more than I normal divulge out in open, but I am a recovered methhead (clean 5+ years). In my experience and watching other addicts I've learned one thing, people wont stop til they are ready too, not til they truely see the damage they are doing to not only themselves but their family and friends. My addiction cost me alot and I learned alot. The best thing for family and friends to do is just be supportive, dont be pushy but try to let the addict know their loved and cared for and how much they are phuqing thier lives up....

But dont give up on them is the biggest thing, I know its hard. Also try to get the addict to stop hangin out with thier addicted friends. If they are around it its too tempting for them . I know from experience, I dont go around alot of my old friends because the mess with drugs on some level. One being a cousin Thats can ride like no tomorrow (squidly but skilled). I am tryin to get him to see the light so to speak atm.

Good luck and prayer works alot too if you beleive that is.

DJ
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post #11 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 11:13 AM
 
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K this is more than I normal divulge out in open, but I am a recovered methhead (clean 5+ years). In my experience and watching other addicts I've learned one thing, people wont stop til they are ready too, not til they truely see the damage they are doing to not only themselves but their family and friends. My addiction cost me alot and I learned alot. The best thing for family and friends to do is just be supportive, dont be pushy but try to let the addict know their loved and cared for and how much they are phuqing thier lives up....

But dont give up on them is the biggest thing, I know its hard. Also try to get the addict to stop hangin out with thier addicted friends. If they are around it its too tempting for them . I know from experience, I dont go around alot of my old friends because the mess with drugs on some level. One being a cousin Thats can ride like no tomorrow (squidly but skilled). I am tryin to get him to see the light so to speak atm.

Good luck and prayer works alot too if you beleive that is.

DJ
He has come a long way and I am so proud of who he is! You will always worry. I know I always do. But it is on them to want to stay sober. All you can do is be supportive and remind them of the consequences of thier actions.
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post #12 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 11:18 AM
 
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Yeah my brother got into a lot of bad stuff and never would come clean for no reason... He was not going to hear that what he is doing could not only hurt him but also the people around him. I did the worst thing by disowning him as well as all of my brothers did and he eventually landed up in jail. He still has two more years on his three and a half term. He is doing great up there and has got his GED and is now working on getting certified in some time of electrial thing. To me it is bittersweet because he is doing good up there- has more of a potential of life behind bars then in the real world but he is missing three and a half years of everyone's life, not to mention how much he was outta it before that. My brothers and I do not speak or visit or write to him although my parents still have faith in him. Its amazing how much wisdom and strength your parents can have if you are willing to lean on them. I would be lost without them!!! Like DJ said, have faith in your brother and in your god and things will see themselves out. Good luck and keep us updated.
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post #13 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by The Bandit Gurl View Post
Yeah my brother got into a lot of bad stuff and never would come clean for no reason... He was not going to hear that what he is doing could not only hurt him but also the people around him. I did the worst thing by disowning him as well as all of my brothers did and he eventually landed up in jail. He still has two more years on his three and a half term. He is doing great up there and has got his GED and is now working on getting certified in some time of electrial thing. To me it is bittersweet because he is doing good up there- has more of a potential of life behind bars then in the real world but he is missing three and a half years of everyone's life, not to mention how much he was outta it before that. My brothers and I do not speak or visit or write to him although my parents still have faith in him. Its amazing how much wisdom and strength your parents can have if you are willing to lean on them. I would be lost without them!!! Like DJ said, have faith in your brother and in your god and things will see themselves out. Good luck and keep us updated.
You n your brothers need to write him and at least let him know yall still love him. Trust me he will remember it, either way. I do and after bein out for 4 years, I am just now speaking to my mother and sister....

So not to tell you what to do, but Ihighly recommend at least writing. It will mean more than you realize.

N as in my last post I'm outta here its nice out and the Bike is calling meeeeeeeeeeeeee

TTYL

DJ
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post #14 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 11:46 AM
 
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All good advice above. But if you personaly are having a hard time with it all think about trying an Al-Anon meeting or two. Sure it seems hokey but it does help. There is bound to be one fairly close by. I use to scoff the whole AA program but in the past 10 years I have seen it work wonders.
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post #15 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 12:02 PM
 
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the group i ran with were both drug users and dealers. as i mentioned earlier, i lived in the dark side earlier in my college days. i'm very familiar with OD suicide. in HS, my buddy OD. i was a recreational user. no needles though.

as for myself, i survived a suicide by car attempt. i know what your bro is going through. it's depression. anti-depressants will help for awhile, but at times, little things can trigger it. to me, music snapped me out of it.

after all my buddies past away (shot dead, suicide, motorcycle accident), i moved out of town for a clean new start. your bro will have some ups and downs. keep him busy with activities and try not letting him be alone. also, keep him off the TV. the ads triggered my depression. holidays will also be a hard time for him.

dunno what to tell you but that he has to control this himself. you can take away the temptations, but if his will to live is low, then there's not much anyone can do for him.

i can only tell you how i controlled my suicidal tendencies. i have done bad deeds in the past. i made up for this by doing charity work and offer free services to co-workers. the more i make myself useful to society, the less likely my depression returns. ego building is another technic i used. hacking into pr0n sitez and other similar mischeavous behaviours boosted my ego to fight off depression.

just remember that you are not alone. if the worse ever happens, just remember that he will no longer be in pain.

-a|ex

forgot to mention, racing motorcycles was also a good cure. it was more on building self-confidence and achieving goals. when i retired from racing, i fell back into a depression. that's when my wife noticed and bought me my current 05 gixxer. it still comes and goes, but it is very much less severe.

Last edited by Back _Marker; 06-16-2007 at 12:13 PM.
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post #16 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
 
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All good advice above. But if you personaly are having a hard time with it all think about trying an Al-Anon meeting or two. Sure it seems hokey but it does help. There is bound to be one fairly close by. I use to scoff the whole AA program but in the past 10 years I have seen it work wonders.
My parents have turned to this method of help and they are actually leaders in their group with it. I've seen how great this program has been for them. I've gone to a few meetings and just listened, as though that is hard for me to do. I'm better dealing with things like this on my own, and putting it on here was a big deal for me. I think maybe I will try this again, it's good to hear that your not alone.

Thanks for everyone's advice and prayers, I really do appreciate it and hope that it only gets better from here.
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post #17 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 12:48 PM
 
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Well i come from a middle class family; everyone in the family and extended family is highly educated and very hard working. Hence I have never been around anyone who has had a Drug or alcohol problem (even my friends are clean). I'll do the only thing I can do for your family: I'll Pray form your brother every Sunday at church and with your families support and God's guidance he will be rid of his drug and alcohol problems.
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post #18 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
 
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Well i come from a middle class family; everyone in the family and extended family is highly educated and very hard working. Hence I have never been around anyone who has had a Drug or alcohol problem (even my friends are clean). I'll do the only thing I can do for your family: I'll Pray form your brother every Sunday at church and with your families support and God's guidance he will be rid of his drug and alcohol problems.

I come from a family just the same as yours, so you can imagine how this is so hard on all of us, including my brother.
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post #19 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 01:05 PM
 
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I come from a family just the same as yours, so you can imagine how this is so hard on all of us, including my brother.
Ya as a family you brace yourself to deal with the BS the world throughs at you but when something like this happens on the inside you have no defense for it. If someone in my immediate family had a similar problem i think my parents would be hardest hit by it. you should make sure your parents are ok.
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post #20 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2007, 01:10 PM
 
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doesn't matter what social background one is from. depression doesn't discriminate. nor does praying help. sorry to be a bit negative, but growing up in a catholic school only added to messing up my childhood. relying on religion is not going to help. i'm from an upper class family.

-a|ex
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