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post #1 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 05:34 PM Thread Starter
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50 Sex Tips for Women - NWS

I dunno if this will fly, but I saw it on another forum and with that much truth, it bears sharing...

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that ****. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That **** is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the **** that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that ****, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some *****. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that **** if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a ***** to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all ****ing surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big ****ing deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty **** you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really ****ing you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order
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post #2 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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Oh, so much truth... reps served.

I think I've read this before, but that doesn't take away from it. Take note ladies at 50 of your most common mistakes!
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post #3 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
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51. Open you flucking mouth and stick your tongue down my throat... I hate when girls kiss and just barely open their mouth and just barely stick their tongue in mine... I need to get out the scissor jack to open her mouth and use my pliers to get her tongue into my mouth.
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post #4 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 05:54 PM
 
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I have the 40 mistakes MEN make...kinda NSFW...lemme know and ill post it up..Fair is fair right?
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post #5 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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I have the 40 mistakes MEN make...kinda NSFW...lemme know and ill post it up..Fair is fair right?
Do it... learning is good...
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post #6 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 05:59 PM
 
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40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
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post #7 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 06:20 PM Thread Starter
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In my experience about half of those are either wrong or slightly off...

3) I was born with the gift of extremely soft facial hair... My stubble is, as one of my ex's put it, "like a teddy bear"...

4,5,6) I have only played with a couple boobies that didn't love being squeezed fairly vigorously, nibbled on (not clamped, but a fair bit of teeth), and 'tuning in Tokyo' was the only way to get off my ex.

10) Depends on the girl. Some like ALOT of heavy contact with the man in the boat, others do not... Play around gently and gradually increase your focus/pressure.

16) My signature move is to just get naked. I have only had it fail once.

24) I had a chick kiss on my stomach and around my dork for a half hour one time... Sometimes nudging is necessary...

25) Warning? When I read that I thought of a tap on the shoulder, "excuse me, I am about to climax... Thank you." If you can't tell by my, "oh yeah", "right there", "don't stop", "uuuurrrrggggg" and the fact that my toes are curled up and I am shaking... Then there is no hope for you. My buddy married a spitter, I will not be making that mistake.

26) We wouldn't ever have to thrust or grab your head if you just did it right!

27) Porn has taught me nearly everything I know. 99.9% of it is money... and if I am wadding on your shirt, it's for the story to tell my buddies later...

34) Many women LOVE anal.

37) I had a GF once long ago... real pretty, Catholic raised, nice girl... She was a dead fish... One day while I was railing her and trying not to fall asleep, I just broke out with some very vile and demeaning sexual remarks. She went nuts and became hardcore filthy mouth dirty nasty crazy sex girl from that day forward... I kinda miss her now...

40) I always thank them for allowing me to violate them... Somehow it's just not the same when I am standing over top of them as they lay in the fetal position crying...

Last edited by OneSickPsycho; 06-23-2007 at 06:23 PM. Reason: I think my quote may have been over the line.
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post #8 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 06:31 PM
 
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In my experience about half of those are either wrong or slightly off...

3) I was born with the gift of extremely soft facial hair... My stubble is, as one of my ex's put it, "like a teddy bear"...
My poor face gets torn up every time. And my face turns bright red...its very attractive
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post #9 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 06:40 PM
 
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I Got Dizzy Just Reading My Mouth Started To Water, And Then I Fell Down But Im Fine Now Im Going To Have A Smoke Thanks
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post #10 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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I Got Dizzy Just Reading My Mouth Started To Water, And Then I Fell Down But Im Fine Now Im Going To Have A Smoke Thanks
Keep BOTH hands on the keyboard...
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post #11 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 07:15 PM
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holy moly thats alot of reading!!!!! osp i called the wife out on some points and she seen different. thanks, needed a good arguement=makeup sex! reps for that.

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post #12 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 07:35 PM
 
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heres a sex tip for guys.


Dont spend all your time writing about what you dont like about girls you have sex with and actually go out and have sex with one.
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post #13 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 07:37 PM
 
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A couple notes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
So you're saying I should put it in the butt? Done deal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
I may have wore it, but you're the one that MADE me wear it...
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
I'm sorry I just love vagina.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
18) GOING TOO FAST.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
Some girls just love to have the chit pounded out of them. Trust me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
Oh come on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.
"see my previous comment"
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
What, so you would have to do some work for once? Stop whining.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
SURPRISE!!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
30) TAKING PICTURES.
But what else will I blackmail you with when you turn out to be a dirty, cheating whore?
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post #14 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 08:22 PM
 
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A couple notes...


So you're saying I should put it in the butt? Done deal.

I may have wore it, but you're the one that MADE me wear it...

I'm sorry I just love vagina.

Some girls just love to have the chit pounded out of them. Trust me.

Oh come on.

"see my previous comment"

What, so you would have to do some work for once? Stop whining.

SURPRISE!!!!

But what else will I blackmail you with when you turn out to be a dirty, cheating whore?
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post #15 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 08:25 PM
 
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Quote:
But what else will I blackmail you with when you turn out to be a dirty, cheating whore?


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post #16 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 11:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NONE_too_SOFT View Post
heres a sex tip for guys.


Dont spend all your time writing about what you dont like about girls you have sex with and actually go out and have sex with one.
boooyah!!!!!
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post #17 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 11:44 PM
 
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another tip for women....

dont bitch if for the first time in a year and a half, you didnt get off..... we dont bitch when u get sore after an hour or so, and we have to stop (even when you say you want to go all night )
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post #18 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-24-2007, 10:32 AM
 
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another tip for women....

dont bitch if for the first time in a year and a half, you didnt get off..... we dont bitch when u get sore after an hour or so, and we have to stop (even when you say you want to go all night )
Or girls always seem to think when they're in the mood, it's like 'stop the presses' and have sex... who do you think you are? Well, what about all those times you were 'too tired' or 'weren't in the mood' or 'had a long day'? Makes me want to deny you just so you know how it feels
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post #19 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-24-2007, 11:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by twinkies View Post
I have the 40 mistakes MEN make...kinda NSFW...lemme know and ill post it up..Fair is fair right?
Only 40 mistakes?
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post #20 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-24-2007, 11:34 AM
 
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Only 40 mistakes?
Well...any higher than 40 they would be getting upset :P
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