Nuclear War. Tips for Survival
Things to do now that the world's ended in atomic fallout:
1.Cancel your subscription to Beautiful Homes and Gardens.
2.Find new uses for birth control devices... since everyone is
3.Play checkers with THE PILL and make balloon animals out
4.Start bathing in sun block.
5.Start playing Gamma World... for real.
6.Park your car anywhere you want anytime.
7.Throw away your combs and toothbrushes. You have no
teeth or hair. What do you need them for anyway?
8.Detonate a Nuke in Irvine! "Hey Interplay! You think
Nuclear War is funny NOW???"
9.Throw away your flashlights and light bulbs. They are
unnecessary since you glow.
10.Watch Mad Max movies for tips on survival.
11.Throw away your No-Nukes is Good Nukes protest sign.
12.Throw away your bills.
13.Read the Safety Tips (below)
Safety tips for the post nuclear existence:
1.Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
2.When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when
you hit the ground.
3.If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable
4.Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only
lead to psychological problems.
5.Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6.Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal
organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7.Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8.Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
9.Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but
more sanitary due to limited circulation.
10.Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.