It’s happened again. It’s 7:15 on Tuesday morning and you’ve woken up in a vacant hayfield. Your pants are nowhere to be found, and you have to make it downtown in less than an hour for the most important meeting of your life. There’s just one little problem (two if you count the fact that the name “Gary” is tattooed on your bicep): you’re as drunk as a skunk and in no shape to attend. Read on to discover how to sober up in a hurry.
1- Stop drinking
Slowly step away from your Jack and Coke and stop imbibing. It takes approximately one hour to oxidize a single ounce of alcohol in your body, so the sooner you stop drinking the sooner you’ll sober up.
2- Get a little fruity
If you think humans are the only creatures that get batty around booze, you better reconsider. Scientists have known for years that bats also get drunk off cocktails of alcohol that stew inside ripened fruit. Now they’ve also discovered that bats seek out certain types of fruit sugar, known as fructose, to help them sober up. In fact, breath tests administered by researchers at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel revealed that alcohol levels of bats dropped faster after feeding on fructose-loaded meals than when given food containing either sucrose or glucose.
So, what does this mean for you? If you load up on foods rich in fructose, you should be able to sober up faster. A brief list of goodies worth gobbling up includes fruit, honey, Coca-Cola, Apple Jacks, Fig Newtons, Lifesavers, and Pop-Tarts. Better yet, put them all in a blender and have a tasty 20,000-calorie smoothie. Who knew that sobering up could be so delicious?
3- Pop a pill
If you’re looking for a quick fix, you’d be well-advised to try a so-called “alcohol antidote” pill. The Sober Up pill by Bhelliom Enterprises, for instance, claims to be a “dual-action hangover breakthrough, designed to knock out a hangover before it starts or relieve one the next day.” Quick and easy to use, it works with your body's natural alcohol detoxification system to safely metabolize alcohol within 30 minutes of application.
Another effective product is the Kangtian Sobering-up Lozenge. This herbal-enhanced concoction lowers your body’s rate of alcohol absorption, while simultaneously protecting your stomach and liver. Both products will help you sober up and can be found on the internet as well as in select health-food stores.
If you’d prefer a more traditional solution, a good multivitamin can also be used to combat the regular vitamin depletion that occurs during binge drinking. It’s known that your system turns to vitamin B when it is under stress -- doing seven beer bongs in less than five minutes definitely qualifies as stress -- and as such, it is essential to replenish your body with this vitamin if you want to sober up.
One of the great ironies about drinking is that the more shots of Jagermeister you consume, the more likely you are to become severely dehydrated. Luckily, you can replenish your body’s lost fluids with water, fruit juices and sports drinks like Gatorade and Powerade. You may also want to consider gulping down some broth made from bouillon cubes since it will help replace the salt and potassium lost on your latest night on the town.
If you’re feeling more adventurous, you may want to indulge in a hearty cup of Liver Detox Tea as well. Available in most health stores, this strong root-flavored tea flushes out your system as it cleanses your blood, improves your bile flow and increases your urine. It may not be very tasty, but if you ate a tequila-soaked worm you can definitely stomach this.
5- Sleep on it
The best cure for drunkenness is still time itself, so if you have an hour to spare, lay down and take a nap to give your body time to detoxify.
6- Mask your foul breath
Appearing sober is one thing, but it’s also important to make sure that you don’t smell like Ted Kennedy after… well, after anything, really. One popular way of trying to mask your breath is to ingest two spoonfuls of regular mustard. Granted, the taste is far from appetizing, but it’s far better to smell like a giant hot dog than seven bottles of Jack Daniels.
7- Get a blood transfusion
If you have the time -- and unlimited resources -- you may want to take a page out of Keith Richard’s personal book of home remedies and go in for a blood transfusion. The aging rocker first underwent the procedure on September 23, 1973, prior to an important European tour, and he returned feeling extremely rejuvenated. Just beware that a unit (up to 500 ml) of blood takes about four hours to administer and the procedure is not recommended for patients with a history of congestive heart failure. Oddly enough, the procedure seems to be OK for people who have ingested twice their weight in heroin -- go figure.
sober second thoughtsIt has been claimed that alcohol use costs American businesses $148 billion a year in employee absences, on-site accidents, and poor job performance. Fortunately, you don’t have to become a statistic if you approach drinking wisely. The next time you go out, make sure to eat before you drink, alternate glasses of alcohol with glasses of water, and, most importantly, know your limits. After all, there’s nothing worse than going home at 2 with a 10 and waking up at 10 with a 2.