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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Divorce? Questions

OK I live, work, play on the computer and the only really close offline friends I have won't really work to talk to about this. So my favorite forum will have to do.

I'm wondering if you've had a divorce with a young child involved, she's 3 now 4 in October. I'm also wondering how you knew it was time to end it.

My wife and I split up for a couple of months about this time last year and we got back together with the understanding we would work on things and try to improve. Things did improve for a couple of months but have fallen back to the same point maybe even worse. When we split I think I was happier but not sure. I am horrible at making even the smallest decisions and this would be a life altering one so it's darn near impossible to make for me. When we split last time she basically had sad she tried and tried and just couldn't go on trying to make it work by herself. Well I'm feeling that same thing.

She is going back to school now and I support her in that so I do a majority of things around the house but lately it's just been bothering me a lot when I know she should be studying or writing a paper and instead she's sleeping or playing games.

I weighed a lot of the pros and cons last time and was pretty much dead even . What bothers me the most is not knowing how this will affect my daughter. When we split it used to break my heart when she asked where mommy was and things like that. I also know I'm going to get hosed in court as well, I've already pretty much accepted that fact.

I'm just wondering if any of you could give some insight into this. It has killed me all weekend thinking about it. I think since Friday I've had about 7 hrs of sleep.
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 08:27 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're going through this.... No advice to offer (since my own divorce years ago had no children involved).

As for how you know it's time to end it? Really, you just know... just as you know when you're in love, when it's the "right" person, you also know instinctively when it's time to move on. I can't describe it. It's really just a lack of feelings whatsoever... you're no longer angry, you no longer hurt, you no longer feel much of anything toward them... you're just numb and realize there's no possible way to continue things as they are.




ETA: My only other tidbit would be, no matter HOW bad things get, never, ever, ever say anything badly about your (soon to be) Ex within earshot (directly or indirectly) of your daughter. Whether you think she's too young to understand or not, she will absorb it, and remember it.

My own parents divorced when I was very young. As I got older, I learned a lot of less-than-flattering things about the kind of man my father is - but not one of those things came from my Mother's mouth. To this day, she's never said a negative thing about him in my presence, but rather allowed me to develop my own conclusions about him. And for that, she has my utmost respect.

Last edited by neebelung; 07-23-2007 at 08:30 AM.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 08:28 AM
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All I can say is . Im in the same situation. I have 2 kids and that is the ONLY reason we are still together. I've spoken to a lawyer already and it wont be the end of the world financially but...... how do you break your kids hears like that? I have no idea. Thats why I havent pulled the trigger(figuritivly) yet. Im getting closer, just not there yet. I was a child of divorced parents, I remember how I felt. I dont want my kids to ever feel that way.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 08:48 AM
 
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I have never been married or have kids. But i have been a child of divorce and my lil nephew now age 6 that lives with me has also.
Its can be just as bad for the kids if the parents are still together and unhappy. then apart and happy. Sometimes its not good to stay thogether for just the childrens sake.
i'm not an expert or have experienced being the one that would have to make the same decision. But this is JUST my opinion. But an unhappy home can be just as devistating to children as a the parents getting divorced. As i stated it is JUST my opinion.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Well for the last couple of years it seems we each lead our own lives, we have tried to talk more but that hasn't worked to well. My main issue is it seems like we're together lead different lives and meet in the bedroom for sleep. I feel as though lately I have been doing everything around the house. I can do all of that without her and not get aggravated when I see her sleeping or playing games. We both have depression issues hers more visible than mine but she's seeing a therapist trying to work on it. I just don't know how much longer I can wait.

In part to Neebe and Rider I never knew my father and I swore I wouldn't do that to my child I know I would continue to play a big part in her life but don't know if I could handle the questions and not seeing her every day. That all hurt me really bad the last time and she older and much wiser now. When we split last time we knew if it didn't work out we would continue to be friends and never say anything bad about each other. In fact I have nothing bad to say about her it just feels like it's not working out. I don't know what will happen financially but I know I will get taken bad. I make 3 times what she does.


I'm just confused as hell. I think marriage should be better than this or maybe I have the perfect little marriage in my head and nothing can measure to it and this is what a normal marriage is.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 08:59 AM
 
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How long have you been married?
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:02 AM Thread Starter
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7 years married and and almost 12 yrs together.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papapoi View Post
I have never been married or have kids. But i have been a child of divorce and my lil nephew now age 6 that lives with me has also.
Its can be just as bad for the kids if the parents are still together and unhappy. then apart and happy. Sometimes its not good to stay thogether for just the childrens sake.
i'm not an expert or have experienced being the one that would have to make the same decision. But this is JUST my opinion. But an unhappy home can be just as devistating to children as a the parents getting divorced. As i stated it is JUST my opinion.


If you are miserable and shes miserable I cant bet you the kid is too. My parents didnt get divorce until just b4 I turned 21 n was married n had a kid myself. And I was glad for them to get one. Now my father didnt quite take is as well as my mother did as shes teh one that filed. But they both were miserable n made me n my sister misable. They werent fighting or having yelling matches or nuttin like you see on TV. They simply stop communicating n after many years of that they were just two individuals living in the same house instead of two people that were in love and wanted to be together.

Only advice I can give tho is to make sure there nuttin else to try n talk to her n see if she feels the same way.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:09 AM
 
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I think 7 years is the turning point in many marriages. The biggest question is eventhough things suck are you sure its over? Have you tried a date nite? Get a sitter and go out? Or perhaps go away for a few days together without the kid? You could try another separation. But if you are sure its over then by all means end it. My parents divorced when I was 5. It was ugly and I won't even go into the things I saw. My father wasn't the greatest. I dont think I lacked anything not having a father around growing up. Just make a point to be around and pay your child support should you divorce because I wanna stress no matter how much you will come to dislike your ex that child support is for your child!!! Do whats best for you, kids are resilient. They adjust! And your daughter is still young enough where she can adjust easier than a 10 year old could.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by oldman2007 View Post
7 years married and and almost 12 yrs together.
That's a lot of time invested. Did something change? Every marriage gets close to divorce. It will take you a long time to recover-mentally and financially especially with a child involved.I've been married 26 years and we've been close several times-but we eventually work it out.

Good luck with your decision.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by papapoi View Post
But this is JUST my opinion. But an unhappy home can be just as devistating to children as a the parents getting divorced. As i stated it is JUST my opinion.
Kids are young, not stupid. They may not know WHY Mommy & Daddy fight, they just know that they do.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:23 AM
 
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I was married for just over five years, I got tired of it and just knew that I didn't want to be married any more. I have a son who just turned 5. My divorce was filed in August of last year and was final in November of last year.

Through the entire process we did not argue or raise our voices in front of my son. When I decided to move out, I took my son with me to look at places and included him in all of the decisions that were made that affected him. Before I decided to move out I started talking to him about it. Asking him what he thought if mommy got her own house. My ex helped a great deal in that we never made it sound like a bad thing. We never / still don't bad mouth eachother in front of our son.

All in all the transition was easy I think largely because we kept my son involved in the entire process always being very polite to eachother. When he would ask me about his dad, I would tell him that sometimes mommy's and daddy's don't live together, sometimes they have their own houses. Told him that I still loved him very much and that his daddy did too. I made sure that when I moved out I moved to a place that was close to his dad's house so that if he needed to see me at any time I could be there within a few minutes.

I also took him shopping to buy him new stuff for his new room at my house, a new bed, new blankets etc just to try to help him feel comfortable and at home.

His dad and I still spend every holiday with him and his birthdays together as a 'family'. He has his own cell phone now so if he ever needs to talk to either one of us, he calls.

Honestly his dad and I are better friends now than we were when we were married. The key is that you as adults and parents of a young child need to overcome your differences and learn to be pleasant with eachother for sake of the child whether you are divorced or not. It's important for children to know that both of their parents are there, or can be there in an instant if they are needed. It's equally important for your child to know that there is no anger involved in the separation. If you need to have discussions with your soon to be ex, ask a friend to watch her. Also, make sure that you both let your daughter know (especially if you see any behavior changes) that you both love her, and that this change is not her fault.

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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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They werent fighting or having yelling matches or nuttin like you see on TV. They simply stop communicating n after many years of that they were just two individuals living in the same house instead of two people that were in love and wanted to be together.
That pretty much sums up what I have. When we met I was in college she was in HS and we had a whole lot of sex. Over time that diminished and I'm left with the problem of we never really got to know one another. We like doing some of the same things but it's not things you would do all the time only every once in a while. And at least to me it seems the only thing we have in common is our daughter.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:32 AM
 
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Glad to hear others' thoughts on this. I went thru a divorce last year. My daughter is about to turn 4, and I am still dealing with the emotional fallout. I'll post more tonight. I just can't elaborate at work.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:34 AM
 
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Ummm...perhaps you may want to consult with a marriage counseling professional before making life-altering decisions rather than seeking advice and comfort from a bunch of strangers who like to ride motorcycles .......hmmmm?
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by oldman2007 View Post

I'm just wondering if any of you could give some insight into this. It has killed me all weekend thinking about it. I think since Friday I've had about 7 hrs of sleep.

Perhaps now is not the right time.... perhaps rest would be in order?
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:37 AM
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Ummm...perhaps you may want to consult with a marriage counseling professional before making life-altering decisions rather than seeking advice and comfort from a bunch of strangers who like to ride motorcycles .......hmmmm?
Marriage counseling only forces you to change to be something your not, only to keep the marriage together. You are who you are. No amount of counseling in the world is going to make you change AND be happy. I know, Ive been though it.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by oldetymebiker View Post
Ummm...perhaps you may want to consult with a marriage counseling professional before making life-altering decisions rather than seeking advice and comfort from a bunch of strangers who like to ride motorcycles .......hmmmm?
We did the counseling when we split last year and got back together with advice on things to try and do. Things were a little better for a couple of months but have fallen right back where they were maybe even worse....

It's not really advice I'm seeking it's others experiences. I know I am the only one who can make the decision I know I'm also horrible at making decisions and I also know I plan and analyze things way too much which is why my decision is extremely difficult.... I hate deciding on where to go eat or what movie to go see let alone something that is going to change my life and my daughters life forever.

When I was in counseling the counselor told me to make a decision matrix and rank things I had probably 50 things listed and the damn thing came out even. Even when I try to do stuff like that it doesn't allow me to make a decision.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:45 AM
 
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If you and your wife are miserable, it's going to reflect in your daughter's behavior.

Who knows, this could make your daughter a lot happier because eventually all of that tension is going to go away, and all of you will be able to relax and enjoy life a little bit more.

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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 07-23-2007, 09:47 AM
 
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7 years married and and almost 12 yrs together.
Wow that has to be tough. I'm divorced....actually more than once ..but no kids so I can't really add any more than has already been suggested here.

Good luck though.

I will say this though...if I wasn't happy...I would NOT stay together and be miserable just because I had a child. I do agree with the advice as to NOT say negative things about your spouse in front of the kid.

Last edited by z06boy; 07-23-2007 at 09:49 AM.
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