here's a few more (still bored, lol)
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
"I knowwhat I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked".
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears
to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes
a real close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen
very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
Because I'm a Man
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."
We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is
a euphemism. (For your information guys, cumin is a spice and not a bodily function.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much,
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television ion remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, trucks, bikes, or football. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards,
then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.....like wandering around in the
garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male