We regret to inform you that, effective immediately, Santa Claus will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve
. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, his contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 210, and he now serves only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, Santa will also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. Your children will not be ignored on Christmas Eve - they will be in the good hands of your local replacement, Santa's second cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares Santa's goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, however, you may notice a few differences in the service. For example:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, though he dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. Reindeer were once mistakenly issued to Bubba Claus, who now has a couple more nice trophy heads over his fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Petty...."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" will be replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond in unison, "I hear'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." He also has a few other decorations on his sleigh back as well, such as a string of flashing Christmas lights around the license plate, and a caricature of Santa Claus going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit V" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. You should make sure that the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, Christmas songs about Santa Claus, such as "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" will be replaced on all AM radio stations in the South by your new official Christmas carol, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
YEE-HAW!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!