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501 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Some of them are funny, but true...

Compiled from the newsgroup by Scott Harpster
1 Putting your foot into a hole when stopping.
2 Putting your foot down on something slippery when stopping.
3 Locking the front wheel during overenthusiastic braking.
4 Missing the driveway and sliding on the grass.
5 Not putting the kickstand down when getting off.
6 Make a turn from stop in gravel or sand at high throttle.
7 Not putting a board ('foot')under the kickstand on asphalt on a hot day.
8 Letting overenthusiastic people sit on your bike who have never been on a bike.
9 Forgetting the bike's in gear when you jump on the kickstarter.
10 Revving the engine, releasing clutch, and putting feet on pegs when the light turns green, but the bike's in neutral.
11 Not putting your foot down when stopping at red light.
12 Losing balance when putting it on the centerstand.
13 Take an hour ride in 30 degree weather with no gloves, stop at a stop sign and pop the clutch when you start because you've lost feeling in your hands.
14 Putting your foot down at a toll booth on the thick layer of grease that builds up when cars stop.
15 Using too much power when you pull out of a greasy toll booth.
16 Ignoring the sand that builds up in the spring at the side of the road (in places where roads are sanded and salted in winter.)
17 Kicking your kickstand in a cool fashion and having it bounce back up instead of staying down.
18 Getting off your bike while it is running and forgetting that is in gear.
19 Trying to kick start your first bike over and over because you didn't realize that it was really out of fuel, and getting the goofy metal ring on the side of your boot caught in the kickstarter, causing you (and the bike) to go over on the right side.
20 Starting your brand-new electric-start trail-bike, riding around an ornamental shrub on full left lock, throwing it to the right and accelerating to wheelie over the curb onto the street and _then_ discovering that you hadn't unlocked the steering-lock...
21 On same bike, getting the dual-range lever caught inside your jeans as you come to a stop...
22 Having your boot/jeans catch the gear-lever and putting your running bike into first gear whilst reaching for the side-stand (which is why I now automatically pull in the clutch whenever deploying or retracting the stand.)
23 Having "green" racing linings which have much higher coefficient of friction on the slight rust that forms on the polished drum when you've not ridden for a few hours, and lose the front-end holding the brakes on against the throttle to wear off the rust.
24 Having a three-cylinder two-stroke that's so smooth you think you're in second when you're actually in first, so you spin out when the undercarriage touches down in a tight corner passing a car and you think, "just a bit more throttle will help here..."
25 Revving bike in impressive squidly fashion at red light, thinking it's in neutral; dropping clutch and standing in place while bike wheelies and backflips into intersection.
26 Having your fat-ass brother (as a pillion) lean waaay over to the side to look at something on the ground while at a stop sign.
27 Wife gets foot caught on saddlebag while getting on before you.
28 Rebuild carbs and treat bike like it still needs full gas away from a stop.
29 Bald tires, and a smatter of rain.
30 Look at the sand at the edge of the exit ramp rather than through the turn.
31 Neither you nor your dad watching while he's backing his car up to the woodpile to unload wood.
32 Not putting the pin that holds the center stand all the way in and then trying to put the bike on the center stand.
33 Trying to hold the bike upright before deploying the center stand only to find your knees are too weak from riding.
34 Park behind friend's mom's minivan figuring "If anybody goes anywhere, they'll surely see it. 'specially since there'll be 5 of them getting into the van.
35 After getting fuel at gas station and holding the bike level with your legs in order to fill it completely, jumping off forgetting that your legs were holding it upright not the kickstand.
36 Entering a DR ("decreasing radius") turn too fast. This is especially dangerous when making a right turn where if you attempt to straighten up and brake, you'll plow into oncoming traffic.
37 Trying to countersteer (or wheelie) your shaft driven bike? [Obviously the person who posted this doesn't have a clue.]
38 Getting your boot/ shoelace caught on the gearshift. (I wear laceless boots now.)
39 Attempting to kick start a cantankerous '84 CR500, whilst standing on a picnic table bench, and she *kicks* back!
40 Getting pissed off for dropping it in the first place, yanking it vigorously off the ground, only to have it drop to the _other_ side.
41 Pulling out the swing arm stand, and forgetting to put the sidestand down first.
42 Backing down an inclined driveway, turning to either side with a full tank of gas.
43 Taking the bike off the centerstand and forgetting the sidestand.
44 Riding on wet grass with street tires (Almost as bad as ice!!)
45 Riding on wet asphalt with dirt tires (Almost as bad as ice!!)
46 *Thinking* the kick stand was down when it wasn't.
47 Kick stand slowly burying itself in hot asphalt.
48 Kick stand slowly burying itself in soft ground.
49 Backing up perpendicular to a steeply sloped driveway and attempting to put your foot down on the downhill side while on a large bike with a high seat. (By the time your foot reaches the ground the bike is so far off center balance you won't be able to hold it up.)
50 Backing your bike down a plank, by yourself, from the bed of a pickup truck. Works great as long as you remember that once you start moving, stopping for any correction is out of the question. Get two people to stand on each side of you and the bike.
51 Losing your balance when coming to a stop because of fatigue from a long trip. The wind and the buzz of the bike induces an unexpected case of vertigo. Stop often and rest.
52 Riding beyond your limits while trying to keep up with someone who is probably riding beyond their own. Always a temptation. The best riders/racers understand and use discipline when riding.
53 Not paying attention. Always strive to anticipate what could possibly go wrong and be planning what you're going to do when it happens, eventually it will - and you'll be ready, instead of surprised when you're much more likely to do something stupid and reactionary.
54 Assuming that all wet roads are created equal. They are much more slippery when it first starts to rain - until the oil and dirt are washed away.
55 Assuming that the condition of a blind corner is the same as it was the last time you rode it. Instead you find sticks, road kill, oil, rain wash, stones, pot holes, garbage, etc.
56 Not understanding how to get set-up for a corner when pushing the limits. In most cases the bike could have made the corner but the rider decided it couldn't and while in a panic attempted to correct the situation with the brake. WRONG! MSF course will discuss this at length.
57 Riding without all of the protective equipment because I forgot to bring it and after all it was just this one time. Turned out to be the wrong time! I forgot my MX boots and fell on a steeply banked corner and the foot peg attempted to drill into the back of my right calf. On crutches for 3 weeks with a deep bruise.
58 Using a little too much power turning the first corner after you've put on new tires (with that nice slippery release compound on them).
59 Being too short for the bike you're riding, and coming to a stop sign.
60 Your rider hops on before you are ready.
61 Pushing your bike into the garage and letting it get leaned just a little away from you, pulling you on top of it to the ground.
62 Pulling off both fork caps while the bike is on its centerstand.
64 Park pointing downhill, don't leave it in gear.
65 Park with sidestand facing up hill, sidestand is too long.
66 Allow friend to ride bike that has either no riding experience, or only tiny dirt bike riding experience (they will wheelie out of control, fly straight at the nearest object, or drop it attempting to stop suddenly.)
67 Pulling into Dairy Queen and slipping on a spilt chocolate malt.
68 Sitting on your bike on an inclined driveway talking to a very pretty girl, forgetting where in the hell your mind is and then noticing that it's already too close to the ground to stop.
69 Change rear-end oil on a shaft drive bike, spill 90w on tire, don't clean it up and then make a really sharp turn out of the driveway. *Splat*
70 Parking your bike so that it stands upright with the kickstand down and then having a slow leak in the rear tire which causes the kickstand to push the bike over.
71 Running into a bus after a 120mph+ high speed chase where there is helicopter pursuit and you are being taped by 5 local news stations.
72 Spending 3 hours washing and waxing your bike and then stepping back to admire it with some buddies and then watch it fall right off its side stand while it was warming up.
73 Pushing it over.
74 Covering it with a windsail (aka canvas cover) and letting the wind push it over.
75 Unbolting too many components from the back so that the bike falls off the jack.
76 Having an internally rusted CX500 center stand come apart whilst putting the bike onto it.
77 Discovering when you stop and try to put your foot down that the kickstart lever is up your pant leg.
78 Letting your wife drive the bike and having her stall it on an inclined driveway while in a 45 degree angle to the incline.
79 Entering a banked freeway onramp with a stoplight at the end, and realizing a little too late that the downside is just a _little_ steeper than you thought.
80 Whacking the throttle open on the highway when you think there's no cop around then slowing to normal speed again only to realize that a trooper has been trying to catch up with you for two miles and he's pissed so he decides to run you off the road because he thinks you were trying to run away from him, even though you explain to him that if you were trying to run that he wouldn't have caught you then getting out of any ticjet because *@!!$#, uh I mean cop, felt bad even though he never said "I'm sorry" . . . .but I'm not bitter.
81 While pushing your bike in an attempt to start it by compression, jumping on side-saddle with excessive vigor.
82 Successfully compression starting your bike while running along side, only to find out that you'd held a BIT too much throttle!
83 Deploying the centre-stand without noticing that the ground falls away on the other side.
84 Taking the wife on a ride on your brand new, first bike in 20+ years and making a slow, tight, turn on gravel.
85 Riding in stilettos and getting stuck on the footrest.
86 Swinging your legs too enthusiastically over the bike with tight trousers on and kicking it over.
87 Dismounting while trying not to wet yourself (cold weather..tuh!)
88 Riding short distances side-saddle fashion.
89 Pulling off with a blood alcohol level exceeding the stated limit.
90 Reaching down to pick up your gloves/keys/glasses.
91 Paying too much attention to the tiltometer on your valkarie.
92 Dropping your dirtbike on the side of a steep hill covered in pine humus, then while getting it righted go over the down side because it's too far of an angle to get a foot down.
93 Trying to ride away on the side of a steep hill covered in pine humus which is slipperier than sand.
94 Bopping down the freshly-oiled farm lane to see the neighbor kid with my brother on the back, cautiously toeing the rear brake, feeling the rear wheel slide as we headed straight for the barn, grabbing a panicky handful of front brake, doing a slow highside despite dabbing mightily, sliding right up to the barn door prone on the well-oiled bike with my brother on top of the pile, and hearing the neighbor say "Didn't that thing used to be orange?"
95 kill the bike while leaned over trying to make a slow, sharp turn in a parking lot.
96 Forgetting to remove the disc lock and taking off from the curb with haste...Tends to break the front caliper, too.
97 Falling asleep.
98 Getting help from a neighbor in pushing your 750 up a steep ramp into a moving truck. Though he might assure you that he used to ride a motorcycle, it turns out it was a 125 in Bombay. He gets 2/3 of the way up the ramp, looks panicked, and his knees buckle. Crunch.
99 Looking at the pretty curb to your left on a right-hand bank.
100 Trying to get a wasp or bee out of your jacket while sitting on the bike.
101 Trying to start out in a quick turn (leaning in anticipation of giving it throttle) and stalling it out because the engine hasn't warmed yet - it's a nice, slow drop...
102 Forgetting to put in oil after an oil change. Starting 'er up, and wondering why the low oil pressure dummy light doesn't turn off.
103 After a brake job, forgetting to pump the lever/pedal a few times, and taking off, wondering why there's no brakes as you're coming up on the intersection.
104 Having a mechanical gate close on you as you're trying to ride through.
105 Hitting that patch of sand which has washed across the road on a blind bend.
106 Absentmindedly putting the bike on the kick stand and walking away before you check to see if the driveway is level.
107 Applying your usual amount of throttle but with a passenger behind you ... "cool ... look at that plane".
108 Pushing your bike into a crowded garage, letting it get leaned just a little away from you, pulling you on top of it into your vintage MG.
109 Popping a wheelie while showing off for a girl, almost looping it, slamming on the rear brake to compensate, and passing out from the bollocking several yards later.
110 Assuming the puddle of liquid behind the convenience store was water when it was actually used motor oil.
111 Starting bike while habitually squeezing clutch lever, standing to the left of the bike, remembering too late that the bike is in gear. Realize too late that the choke gives the bike enough power to drag you 30' across the parking lot in first gear.
112 On your third ride with your first ever bike. Stop at a red light. When the light turns green, you have to start uphill, and turn right at the same time. Somehow that overwhelmed me.
113 Parking on a bit of an incline (slopes down right to left), having your left foot slip a little when getting back on the bike, and slowly loosing your balance.
114 Let your buddy ride it. And if you are really stupid let him ride it again.
115 Turning onto a busy street and in the middle of the turn you suddenly remember that this street has trolley tracks.
116 Put armor all on your tires to make them look nice and pretty and then ride on the white safety lane line as you take a HARD right turn at 35mph.
117 Throw a party and get together with a random girl on your bike in the garage while extremely drunk.
118 Pull into parking and failed to ensure proper extension of the sidestand then with near perfect execution of the Laugh-in scene where the bike topples over onto your leg, and you're going down, pinned beneath.
119 Stop for gas, carefully shut off ignition and take key out (to unlock tank), carefully remove helmet and set it over mirror, carefully remove gloves and place on instruments, open jacket, step off bike ... forgetting to put sidestand down.
120 With bike off, try to make walking U-turn in driveway. Bike doesn't have necessary turning radius, front wheel leaves pavement and goes into soft dirt.
121 The setting: Bikes at inside end of driveway, on centerstands, facing away from front of driveway. Backing cage into driveway ... slowly ... at about the right point, stop ... note that cover on bike #1 is moving slightly ... notice bike #1 ever-so-slowly roll forward off its centerstand, then sideways into bike #2. Bike #2 stands there and takes it without falling ... but there's no way to get it to lift #1.
122 Tweaking the front brake at a light as you JUST come to a stop with the forks turned to either side at ALL on a top-heavy bike.
123 Jump an old dirt bike over your parents' fence (use a rramp to get enough height). Realize on the way down that you *don't* know how to land. (I believe this was caused by "Adolescent Invincibility Syndrome".)
124 Test-ride an Electra Glide Sport (OK, these days it would have to be a Road King) around the old, cracked pavement in Brisbane near the Cow Palace.
125 Have a BMW with the sidestand linked to the clutch lever, so that pulling in the clutch retracts the stand.
126 Put the bike back together after waiting months since the last crash for a part to arrive, and don't install fuel filters. Gas tank rust clogs carburetor float needles, overflow tubes lube rear tire, brake to avoid manhole cover in curve, the waited-for part is broken.
127 Park next to some %$#@ on a Triumph who leaves his disc lock on, and return to find your XV1100 with a few dents and a little note saying 'Sorry' in the brake lever. (I left my phone number too...)
128 While riding home the day after getting your shiny new bike turn onto a dirt road and discover that they are in the process of combing the road and your front tire is now sliding through four inches of loose wet sand (Did I mention it was raining). While picking up your bike be sure to grind plenty of sand into the tank.

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941 Posts
129. Parking ANY old Airhead beemer with the sidestand to windward....old beemer sidestands were springloaded, so if the wind started to blow a little, the weight would come off the sidestand and SNAP!, up it would go. Same goes for Ducati ST2, 3 and 4's, today.

130. Blitzing through gas-soaked turns near your local refinery (brilliant!)

· Premium Member
11,506 Posts
132) Hitting on Jim Bob's girlfriend at the local watering hole while Jim Bob is watching, Jim Bob then proceeds to kick your bike over and beats the living tar out of you.

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501 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
ebbs15 said:
yup... I... have no life:disapp: actually... I have no job:lol:
All I do is surf the net all day... damn comm guys.

Your tax dollars at work.
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