Southern Social Rules

Now, those of us who live in the South know how to display the proper social graces. So, when you Yankees come down here to visit, I have compiled a list of social do's and don'ts y'all need to know


In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's
rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the
paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
hands.

Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in
private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.


Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have
proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for this
special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession