[bumblebee]

After Sunday Morning Coffee

There’s an Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Irishman must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again.”

 

[BikesR4Girls]

I nominate...

a joke sticky thread for bumblebee :wink:

 

[Captain Morgan]

I second that nomination.

 

[Captain Morgan]

:lol:

bee, you've been on a roll with the good jokes, keep it up.

 

[Need4Speed]

he's definately on a roll..but "good" I dont know about that.. :lol:

 

[Need4Speed]

Me too.. done deal ! :thumbs:

Bee, when u get ur jokes now stick em in ur official Thread here...now dont u feel special ! u and gas man have ur own threads. :cheers:

 

[CrunchieJD]

It's about time! Fill 'er up Bee! :dthumb:

 

[GSXR1000DJ]

Good joke Bee...keep them coming in here for us. :dthumb:

 

[bumblebee]

Grandma and Her Friends

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

 

[bumblebee]

horse and chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches himself over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my, uh, organ, and pull yourself up!" The chicken did, and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story-if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

 

[bumblebee]

Wedding Night

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"

 

[Need4Speed]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches himself over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my, uh, organ, and pull yourself up!" The chicken did, and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story-if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

Yeah, i know what that's like..

:leaving:

 

[GSXR1000DJ]

Yeah, i know what that's like..

:leaving:

:skep:

 

[bumblebee]

The Rabbi and the Priest

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[bumblebee]

Italian Bread??

Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves, it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but me?"

 

[2Fast4U]

:lol: Those are pretty good man ! Do you have an endless supply of them ? :willy:

 

[bumblebee]

your ticket please

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. The suspicious man opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

 

[2Fast4U]

Guess that answers my question... :doh:

 

[bumblebee]

The Magician

Mike picked up an attractive woman named Linda who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living. Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician." "No way," Mike scoffed. "Prove it." So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "poof," Mike turned into a hotel.

 

[bumblebee]

the Ant and the Grasshopper

The Ant and the Grasshopper—CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

The Ant and the Grasshopper—MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving. National News shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The nation is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
The opposition parties stage a demonstration in front of the ant’s house, where the news stations film the group singing, “We Shall Overcome.”
A local member of government rants in an interview with a celebrity news reporter that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.”
Finally, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire green bugs for help and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.