neebelung said:
Proven fact by yours truly! :drool: *****
The Official Bumblebee Joke Thread.
After Sunday Morning Coffee
There’s an Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Irishman must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again.”
There’s an Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Irishman must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again.”
221 - 229 of 229 Posts
Proven fact by yours truly! :drool: *****
:rofl: Now that is some funny *****!!DLITALIEN said:i seen this bumber sticker the other day. It said "I voted for Bush in 2000. Sorry, my bad." I got a nice chuckle out of it. A little voters regret.
some of those are great! I think I might have one.....
What does KFC and a woman have in common?
When your done with the leg and the thigh, you have a greasy box to put your bone in...
lol sorry. Had to!
What does KFC and a woman have in common?
When your done with the leg and the thigh, you have a greasy box to put your bone in...
lol sorry. Had to!
:lol: :clap: :clap: :rofl3:
For Tuesday 5/16
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30, 000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure I have this, " and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30, 000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
Are you ready for this one???
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30, 000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure I have this, " and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30, 000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
Are you ready for this one???
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
May 17, 2006
Why I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"!!!!!!
Why I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"!!!!!!
5/18
In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, "at what point does life begin?"
The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said, "At conception, of course!"
The Presbyterian Minister said, "No, no, it certainly begins at birth.
The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested, "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month."
They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly. "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!"
In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, "at what point does life begin?"
The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said, "At conception, of course!"
The Presbyterian Minister said, "No, no, it certainly begins at birth.
The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested, "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month."
They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly. "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!"
bumblebee said:In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, "at what point does life begin?"
The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said, "At conception, of course!"
The Presbyterian Minister said, "No, no, it certainly begins at birth.
The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested, "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month."
They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly. "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!"
:lol: :BAHA:
221 - 229 of 229 Posts
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