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The Official Bumblebee Joke Thread.

13694 Views 228 Replies 27 Participants Last post by  99birdv6
After Sunday Morning Coffee

There’s an Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Irishman must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again.”
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That was horriable...
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
New for 21 Dec 04

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, “You do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “You protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “You serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
smart blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the Title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for being so dumb as to use a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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10 things you will never hear a Woman Say...

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big.
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being “just friends.”
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

OK, Don't forget to check Pippi's Blonde Joke Thread...I will post some there later Tonight
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bumblebee said:
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

That's the classic arguement every guy has with his girl in the car. If we wanted to stop for directions we would, we've got it well under control! We just wanna make you feel good like you're contributing to the cause. :lol:
How the government works:

How the government works: Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position, and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12, and one person to do time studies, GS-11.
Then Congress said, How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly? So they created a Quality Control position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, How are these people going to get paid? So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.
Then Congress said, Who will be accountable for all of these people? So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Administrative Officer GS-13, Assistant Administrative Officer GS-13, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost. So they did the obvious and most prudent thing—they laid off the night watchman.
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Lawyers with a heart?

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions made a call on him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “”
“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, was getting up to leave and said simply, “I had no idea...”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again. “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
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A doctor is testing three elderly Alzheimer’s patients. He asked the first, “What’s three times three?”
The patients replied, “187.” The doctor rolled his eyes.
He asked the second patient, “What’s three times three?”
The patient replied, Thursday.” The doctor shook his head.
He asked the third patient, “What’s three times three?”
The third patient replied, “Nine.” “That’s right. How did you get nine?”
“I subtracted 187 from Thursday.”
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000.
“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The ******* student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies,” Ghost? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said 'goats.'”
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For all you parents out there...Post up what you would do in this situation

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To his surprise the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” he asked the child.
“Yes.” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”
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23 Dec

Wow I had a few to post today but if no one is going to read them...
That was pretty funny
You're jokes rock man!! we all read them!! :yesnod:
I wouldn't say we all read them...I usually read about..... 0 a day.....
23 Dec 04

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"What is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary, that's terrible." he said, even though he knew her husband had not been easy to live with. "Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Ben got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week—” he began.
“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”
“He must be,” said little Ben. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”
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